@Probgoblin

Fun fact about Earth: It is an insane hellworld where a species of ape has harnessed the power of liquefied dead things to destroy itself.

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@better_off_dad2

14: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’

Me: ‘You kids! Heck, when I was your age I’d be outside and-‘

14: ‘It’s back.’

Me: ‘Good talk.’

@MyNameIsPappyG

Me: waiter, do you have frog legs?

Waiter: of course monsieur

Me: good, hop over there and get me a beer

@ReeseButCallMeV

I wonder if black ants and red ants have beef. I never see them chilling together. Ever.

@nbadag

[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]

@GoodZiIIa

[Arrested for prank calling police]

Cop: You get one phone call

Me: ok

*cop’s phone rings*

Me: is your refrigerator running

@coketruck76

“What are you going to be when you grow up?”

Tired.
The answer is tired.

@TheHyyyype

daughter: there’s a monster under my bed

me: why do you think that?

daughter: because when i stick my foot out of the cover the monster grabs it

me: [to son] have you been hiding under your sister’s bed?

son: *sighs* yes

me: did you see a monster under there

@pinupteacher

Teachers at school: She seems to be expressing an inner need for control.

Teachers at a bar: I want to punch that kid in the face.