14: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’
Me: ‘You kids! Heck, when I was your age I’d be outside and-‘
14: ‘It’s back.’
Me: ‘Good talk.’
Fun fact about Earth: It is an insane hellworld where a species of ape has harnessed the power of liquefied dead things to destroy itself.
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Has science gone too far?
Me: waiter, do you have frog legs?
Waiter: of course monsieur
Me: good, hop over there and get me a beer
I wonder if black ants and red ants have beef. I never see them chilling together. Ever.
Taco Bell: You need to loosen up.
[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]
[Arrested for prank calling police]
Cop: You get one phone call
*cop’s phone rings*
Me: is your refrigerator running
“What are you going to be when you grow up?”
The answer is tired.
daughter: there’s a monster under my bed
me: why do you think that?
daughter: because when i stick my foot out of the cover the monster grabs it
me: [to son] have you been hiding under your sister’s bed?
son: *sighs* yes
me: did you see a monster under there
Teachers at school: She seems to be expressing an inner need for control.
Teachers at a bar: I want to punch that kid in the face.