Fun fact: At the end of Titanic, when all the people are dying in the water, if you listen very closely, you can hear a faint, “Marco” and then an even fainter, “Polo.”
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My kid woke up early so I did what any parent would do, lovingly prepared him a healthy balanced meal then hid in the bathroom so I could eat my breakfast chocolate in peace
At 57, when I say I want to last longer in bed, I mean sleep more.
(Date)
ME: Watch this *ties cherry stem with tongue*
HER: *giggles*
1-UP WALLY: *places Rubik’s cube in mouth and pulls it out solved*
A fortune cookie told me I’d receive an important message soon.
The message in the bottle told me the fortune cookie was poisoned.
if u choke a Smurf what color does it turn
*nose hairs growing out of control
*buys tiny scissors
*jam them in the eyes of whoever I catch staring at my nose hairs
I’m my own worst enemy which is frustrating because I’d always hoped my worst enemy would have an eye patch.
i mentioned that my parents have been married 40 years and my gf was like “wow, i wonder what it would be like to love someone for 40 years” and it’s like, just to be clear, my parents wouldn’t know
[Robbery]
Sloth Man: I’ll use my powers to make the criminals fall asleep.
*Runs to bank*
*Reaches bank 18 hrs later*
SM: How’d they escape?
I always feel slightly ripped off when my toddler poops after I pick her up from daycare.
Update: Gingerbread men are actually incredibly slow and delicious
In 1993, I saw a toddler slip on ice and land on a cat, but I didn’t have any social media outlet to tell people about it. So, here it is.
My husband: Okay, bye! I’m headed to play golf.
My kid: bye, Dada! I love you! We’ll always have our memories.
dating:
I can listen to you talk all day.marriage:
Get to the point because I have to pee.
I̶t̶’̶s̶ ̶t̶o̶o̶ ̶e̶a̶r̶l̶y̶ ̶t̶o̶ start drinking
god bless the 1st weatherman to dress as danny zuko & plead with sandy
People say to feng shui your home to get rid of negative energy, so I made my family go stand outside before blocking the front door with the couch.
Me: I need a “pick me up”
Guy working the crane:
My 8yo daughter met a girl at summer camp last year named “Internet.” I said no way, that can’t be her name but my daughter has been adamant. For almost a year we’ve been having this discussion.
ANTOINETTE. I just found out her name is Antoinette.
my daughter is never hungrier than immediately after refusing the food we’ve offered her
and are these “NFTs” with us in the room right now?
I got a shopping cart today with 4 working wheels, it was full of lingerie models and self confidence and I was dreaming
*6 holding a 5 hour energy*
“Look at this teeny juice! It didn’t taste good at first but I finished it!”
Go ahead, have kids.
o/ = Cheering
/o = The Scream
/o/ = Superman
_o_ = Jesus
lol = I surrender, and I’m laughing out loud about it.
(Auditioning to be a bird)
*accidentally walks into a sliding glass door*
DIRECTOR: Wow, she’s really good.
[walking slowly down the basement staircase with a flashlight to investigate a scary noise] h-hello???
giant rat demon (suddenly appears with loose sweatpants on): dude you have to knock first
me: ah sorry martin
medium rat demon: come back to bed baby
*quietly adjusts thermostat*
my husband from a hotel room 2800 miles away: whatcha doing?
If you enjoy waking up and checking to see what died, get a fish tank
Sorry I didn’t call you back, I got distracted for 7 years when I had kids