My life these days is basically the “before” segment of an infomercial for a revolutionary new mop.
FUN FACT: baby penguins fit perfectly into a T-shirt cannon.
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Welcome to your fifties. You need to try on belts before you buy them now.
*pulls lighter from bra*
Where’s the shit you made me at school?
Give a man a plane ticket and he’ll fly for a day.
Push a man out of a plane and he’ll fly for the rest of his life.
Me: that was easy, what was my time? 3 minutes?
Escape room employee: ma’am we’re gonna need you to replace this door
There’s something I should tell you…
“Oh god what is it”
I have crabs
*holds up two crabs*
“Oh I thought you meant-”
People always ask, would you rather be right or happy? I have always found I’m happiest when I’m right!
We got about 5-6 inches of snow here in the last 24 hrs, or, according to men, we got 8 inches.
Canadians have to stick together.
Really, it’s the massive amounts of maple syrup. They don’t have much of a choice.
ME: [swimming with dolphins]
AQUARIUM ATTENDANT: Security! Yeah, he’s back again