FUN FACT: baby penguins fit perfectly into a T-shirt cannon.

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My life these days is basically the “before” segment of an infomercial for a revolutionary new mop.


Welcome to your fifties. You need to try on belts before you buy them now.


*pulls lighter from bra*
*lights smoke*

Where’s the shit you made me at school?


Give a man a plane ticket and he’ll fly for a day.

Push a man out of a plane and he’ll fly for the rest of his life.


Me: that was easy, what was my time? 3 minutes?

Escape room employee: ma’am we’re gonna need you to replace this door


There’s something I should tell you…
“Oh god what is it”
I have crabs
*holds up two crabs*
“Oh I thought you meant-”


People always ask, would you rather be right or happy? I have always found I’m happiest when I’m right!


We got about 5-6 inches of snow here in the last 24 hrs, or, according to men, we got 8 inches.


Canadians have to stick together.

Really, it’s the massive amounts of maple syrup. They don’t have much of a choice.


ME: [swimming with dolphins]
AQUARIUM ATTENDANT: Security! Yeah, he’s back again