FUN FACT: baby penguins fit perfectly into a T-shirt cannon.
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Happy Thanksgiving
people get sad when a bird flys into a window but when i do it its a big hassle
Sometimes all you need,
is 500 million dollars.
*moves heaven & earth for her*
*moves more left
*more left
*little right
*little more right
*moves heaven & earth back to original spot*
I don’t like to sit down for bad news because I never want to ruin sitting down.
I may not be a ten but I am definitely couple of fives held together by cheese
ME: [blowing on ouchie] That’s better
SURGEON: How did you get in here
Me: *eating a breakfast bowl with turkey sausage and egg whites* hmm only 270 calories
Also me: *sprinkles half a cup of shredded cheese on top* that’s better
Probably not a coincidence that Janice from Facebook posted her green bean casserole recipe and Facebook lost $150 billion in market value.
Sorry I’m late, I was waiving my hands at a paper towel dispenser that turned out to not be automatic.
When we’re leaving a hotel room we check drawers we didn’t even use at least five times.
*licks ice cream cone
Cone: I have a boyfriend.
I want the school to know I’m taking teaching my kids at home seriously so I send them a fundraiser form that they have 2 weeks to sell $500 in wrapping paper.
“…This one is TOO big. This one is JUST right.”
-my daughter, picking out her preferred public toilet.
Imagine a baby named Edith. Exactly, you can’t because everyone named Edith quietly emerged from the woods at age 78 knitting an incredibly complicated afghan.
INTERVIEWER: Do you have any references?
ME: I find your lack of faith disturbing.
INTERVIEWER: What?
ME: *leans in really close* That’s a Star Wars reference.
I’m no auto mechanic but I’m pretty good at letting people who drive behind me know whether or not they need new brakes
INTERVIEWER: So, do you have any questions for me?
ME: What’s the Wi-Fi password?
I: About the job
M: What is the company Wi-fi password?
Rumor has it, some people get things accomplished without whining about it. Not my style. Interesting concept, though.
The hardest part of making new friends is weeding out the people who just want to sell you leggings.
My brain: “safe place” or “safe spot”
My mouth: safe splot
Never read To Kill a Mockingbird. Is that the one where Katniss admits she loves Peta?
Does France have Mcdonald’s? Because it wouldn’t be fair if we were the only ones dying.
It was just that one time that autocorrect changed mourning to mounting, but never again would my wife ask me to write the eulogy for one of her elderly relatives.
I consider sexual harrassmemt a compliment. I mean they only do it if your hot right?
sure sex is great but have you ever pulled the pamphlet from a cassette/cd case and realized from the thickkkkkness you just scored the lyrics?
If anyone asks me about a movie, I say I only go to movies for the popcorn.
doctor: after numerous tests we figured out you were allergic to sagas
me: how?
doctor: it’s a long story
me: [already vomiting]
If you want sparkling, sophisticated conversation, catch me early in the month, before I’ve used up my ten free New York Times articles.
Me: yeah I have a girlfriend, but she lives in a different country
Friend: what country
Me: um… Iceland
Friend: what’s her name
Me:
Friend:
Me: um… Coldy