Fun Fact: Baby powder’s ingredients include baby brothers and sisters who acted up.
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My doctor’s office scheduled my appointment 6 months from now and asked me if that’s good.
I don’t know what I’m doing 2 hours from now, but sure.
People say the greatest threat to humanity right now is climate change and that’s true, but if squirrels and pigeons ever team up against us it’s game over, you guys.
My dog and I both lose our minds when the doorbell rings but for totally opposite reasons……….I don’t want company
cruella deville’s mother being killed by dalmatians is the funniest possible origin story. like what if batman had said “i am going to wear robbers”
Parenting experts suggest allowing children to try, even if they fail, so they can learn and grow.
But my mother-in-law’s son is 45 and I’m growing impatient.
Imagine being a frog and someone kisses you and you turn into a prince so then you have to marry that person even though you straight up know she kisses frogs.
Back to school sale prices are so cheap. I’m getting all of my Christmas shopping done.
25 cent rulers for everyone!
found out today that in my 7-unit “no pets allowed” apartment building, I am the only one without a cat. I’ve been surrounded by secret cats this whole time
People say nothing is impossible but you would be amazed at how often I do nothing.
The cashier told me to have a good holiday like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats, and hummus suggests anything else.
Dr: Your Mom is like regular moms except we lost her in surgery.
Me: Did you just use a joke format to tell me my mom died
Dr: yep
[First Date]
Me: “I’m afraid I don’t trust myself around you”
Her (flirtatiously): “Oh, stop it”
Me: “I bought a laptop on your credit card while you were in the bathroom.”
Officer: It seems you have been drinking. Could you say the alphabet starting with the letter M?
No problem: Malphabet.
ME: (peeing in the corner of the elevator)
GUY: We’re not even stuck.
Never be a pizza!
Me: I need to see a supervisor
Hat Shop Employee: Excellent choice, Ma’am
I don’t use chocolate chip cookies to solve my problems, only treat the symptoms.
If you’re happy and you know it, thank your ex.
Bruce Wayne: hey, how would you like to take a ride in my batmobi—I mean…brucemobile?
Date: uhh
Bruce: my regular normal carmobile
Me: Well kid, someday all this will be yours. *motions to my Twitter account*
4-year-old: Susie’s dad has a boat.
To ensure that my wife will truly miss me when I go on trips, right before I leave I put a few spiders in the bedroom.
Wife: our toddler just hit me.
Me: hell no! I’m gonna teach her a lesson in manners.
[later]
Me: manners origins date back to the 1700’s and the French word etiquette, which is all about socia-
Daughter: I’m sorry.
Me: please don’t interrupt we have 320 yrs to get through.
HR said that me trying to woo a colleague with a banjo is not what “challenge yourself in the workplace” actually meant.
You know you’re getting fat when you make a comment about needing to lose weight and the other person doesn’t say anything back.
I am not gullible. I am just easily tricked- which someone told me is different.
When a football player points to the sky after a touchdown he’s saying “That one’s for you, international space station”
CASHIER: [over PA] produce manager to the front pleas-
*scuffle noises*
ME: IF YOU SELL LETTUCE HEADS WHERE get off me WHERE ARE THE BODIES?
Scrooge: you there, girl, what day is it?
Rebecca Black: *inhales*
Me on my way to find a boyfriend before Valentine’s Day…