FUN FACT: Canada was once called Moosebekistan. You don’t know. Prove me wrong.
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Pretty annoying when someone unfollows me before I can conduct their exit interview.
[At Justice League headquarters]
Batman: Alright, everyone. Rent’s due. I have my share, obviously. Hows everyone else paying?
Superman: [signs over a paycheck from The Daily Planet]
The Flash: [runs to the ATM]
Aquaman: [dumps a pile of fish on the table]
Batman: WTF dude
Job interviews be like what’s your biggest weakness, ummm I don’t have a job bro
It’s ironic that my sitcom about Abraham Lincoln was shot in front of a live audience.
If my kids ask, the monster under the bed can only find you if you didn’t brush your teeth
*Gets off couch. Goes to Jedi school. Studies for months.
*Returns to couch.
*Uses the force to get last beer from the fridge.
ME (a plane scientist): ah yes, the plane is clearly thirsty
My young children are currently screaming because they collectively ate the last two bananas in this house and they both want more.
THIS IS BANANARCHY.
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: What’s your name on Twitter?
Me: So when a man and a woman…
opens dishwasher…
Me: Who put paper plates in here?
Dog: You live alone and I lack opposable thumbs.
Me: So who then?
Dog: Idiot
Pro-tip: if any family members ask how you’ve been spending the last two years and if you’ve learned a new hobby, maybe gloss over that story about finding out how many plums you could fit inside of yourself before doctors had to get involved.
(understanding 0% of what I’m being told as i’m getting trained for my new job) that all makes perfect sense, no questions
[after meditating]: I’m still angry, but in a calmer way
Sometimes I think about starting a podcast and then I remember all I do during conversations is nod.
When your name is Jenn & people think it’s short for Jennifer, but it’s really short for Jennatalia.
Inside you there are two wolves. One wants wings. The other also wants wings but remembers how their stomach felt after eating wings
Got attacked by a pigeon this morning and accidentally won a 5k road race.
First day of packing for a move: *dresses each Barbie before putting them in a box*
Second day of packing for a move: *dumps entire contents of desk drawer into Target bag and ties it up with USB cord*
My little sister graduated high school and her quote i-
“GRAAAAAAIIIINNNNS” — Vegetarian Zombie
Me: It’s a hat store, but on the blonkchain
*Investor hands me $30 million*
Investor: Wait … did you say “blonkchain”?
Me: *runs*
[on date]
Here, let me help you with your jacket!
*i gently remove her jacket*
This is mine now. Cya
Me: *annoyed that 3yo never wants to get in the bath and then never wants to get out of bath*
Also me: *procrastinates getting in the shower because comfy and lazy and then doesn’t want to get out of the shower because comfy and lazy*
That awkward moment when I give a guy a fake phone number and he tries to call it in front of me.. #OhShiiiit
If you want to drive someone slowly insane, say frank you to them in a parrot voice one million times.
Surviving Wednesday, then remembering the rest of the week still exists
Who thought blowing out candles on a cake was a good tradition? Ah yes; wax would go well with this cake and you know what else? Child spit.
[dinner negotiations]
Wife: where do you want to go to eat?
Me: ugh
Wife:
Me: you pick
Wife: I’m craving kale
Me: I’ll pick
I’m not sure who looks more frightened & confused when someone knocks on my door, the dog or me?
Professor, clearing his throat:
“With the loss of cursive writing in the schools, it no longer became possible to effectively write on the snow in urine (urine being a single stream medium). Thus another level of achievement in English-speaking culture was lost forever.”