FUN FACT: Canada was once called Moosebekistan. You don’t know. Prove me wrong.
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I took 3 advanced geometry classes at Penn State and still pick the wrong size lid for my coffee cup 70% of the time.
JOB INTERVIEWER: So what are your biggest weaknesses?
HE-MAN: Well, I-
*job interviewer’s fake mustache falls off and it’s Skeletor*
I wish I knew how to fix America like everyone else on Twitter.
I can’t wait until my dog is old enough to pay his own way.
Freeloader.
Vulcans are space-elves.
Look at the ears.
A five year old girl is headed to
the National Spelling Bee finals.And I just had to use autocorrect
to spell “embarrassed”I’m so emb-
For two years in high school, I took guitar lessons. Something interesting I learned is that guitar resale nets a 45% loss.
me (checkin out at grocery store with 2 rotisserie chickens): hold up *i grab my phone although it didn’t ring* sure i’ll get 1 more chicken
Five Guys cashier: I’m sorry sir, we actually just ran out of buns. Would you still like to order?
Anaconda: I don’t want none, hon.
[2050]
“Grandpa, how did President Trump ever get elected?”Well, we were a bit distracted. That was the year adult coloring books came out
she loves me [takes bite of hotdog]
she loves me not [takes another bite of hotdog]
You sit there and think about what you’ve done
-Me, leaving dishes in the sink to soak overnight
I just got a robot vacuum. I think I’m going to put a bag of goldfish on top and let it take care of my daughter from now on
My kid told me her toy tarantula and bat had babies and I’ll never sleep again
ME: I promise it will be different this time
THE BOOKS I NEVER READ: *throwing the flowers I brought into the compost*
♫ Hey there Delilah, can we handle this discreetly
My stomach reacted badly
after eating old zucchini ♪
and I just pooooed ♫
Never take legal advice from anyone named Sparkles.
me: got any weekend plans?
me: gonna get chubby
me: yah me too
Is athlete’s foot [gulp] fatal, doc?
“Not with the proper treatment.”
*gives foot $56M 7-year contract*
Pizza won’t solve your problems but you gotta try something.
Heard a young person say that if you’re over 40, your bedtime should be before 10. I was immediately offended until I realized mine is 9:45
Yes I am the only parent at this basketball camp who snickered when the coach said during a drill ‘you need to pound it between each leg split.’
having a bad day today. 😔 can everyone please send cute pictures of their banking app login info.
If you think it’s impossible to be late for work when you work from home, we probably can’t be friends.
Fellas, don’t feel like you can’t offer your wife cooking tips, even after she spends all day making a delicious home cooked meal. And it doesn’t hurt to throw in “That’s not how my mom used to do it”.
Fly wife: Notice anything?
Fly husband: …
Fly wife: Seventeen thousand eyes and not one spots my new haircut
Bartender: YOU’RE the guy that drinks from the soap dispenser in the toilets?
Me: [I try to say “NO” but it’s just lavender scented bubbles]
Michael Cera, too timid to send his food back even though he’s allergic to almonds, eats a meal and politely goes into anaphylactic shock.
I just leave my autocorrects so people will think I’m really passionate about ducks.