Fun fact: Girls who tweet about sports will not do that thing you like.
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Me: *smoking* you were fabulous
Burrito: thank you
Is it weird how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how weird it is?
Your baby might be adorable, but so is my cat and she cleans her own butt.
[teen me w/GF in my dad’s car]
Me: You wanna do it?
Her: *giggling* Yes
Me: *hears voice whisper no glove, no love* GET OUT OF THE CAR MOM
*Gandalf rollerblades into the club*
“YO DJ PLAY SOME DIRTY DUBSTE–
*slips on a drink & lands flat on face* “SCRAP THAT CALL AN AMBULANCE
For my next trick, I’ll be at a bar then magically reappear face down on my bedroom floor without a clue how I got there.
Wife: Why don’t you buy me flowers?
Me: I didn’t realise you sold them. Also why are you talking like a pirate?
They say you should eat 6 small meals a day to lose weight so being an overachiever I have been eating 26 a day.
All these laws are really getting in the way of my driving.
I’ve stopped texting “K” and started texting “L” instead so I don’t have to reach so far over with my thumb.
“Daddy?”
“Yes?”
“What are you doing?”
“Writing a fictional conversation so I can post it on Twitter.”
Ooo! The morning weather girl…
Come on baby, give daddy the five day forecast.
WIFE: why is there a chicken wearing glasses in our living room
ME: he’s my new friend
CHICKEN: *pecks at the floor and his glasses fall off*
ME: oh no where did Cluck Kent go
just saw Netflix went up to $19.99/month and all I gotta say is for the person who’s been letting me use theirs for the past few years…please stay strong 🙏
Maybe leave yourself in a hot car with a window open one inch for 15 minutes while your dog runs into the store
Interviewer: tell me about your leadership skills
Me: YOU tell ME about my leadership skills
Interviewer: holy shit, you’re hired
Me: I’m sorry, we have to let you go
Interviewer: dammit
Sorry, michael00008765348921652. I’ve already found my partner and definitely don’t want to get to know you better.
HIPSTER COP: *into radio* “We’ve got a 13-88 in progress…it’s a pretty rare crime, you probably wouldn’t know it”
Happy MOM THIS HUGE ASSIGNMENT IS DUE TOMORROW AND I’VE JUST STARTED IT to all those who celebrate.
I hate when sales people say stupid things like “Please stop undressing the mannequins, and your credit card has been declined again.”
5: how many numbers do you love me?
Me: awww I can’t even count how much I love you cause I love you soooo much
5: aw I love you 24
when food packaging says “store in a cool, dry place” like ah i guess the mossy cave is out then
My favorite part of my husband working from home is that our 6YO critiques all his conference calls.
“I think you should say ‘don’t get me wrong’ instead of ‘let me be clear’ next time daddy, it just sounds better.”
The amount of time you spend cleaning your house before a friend comes over is inversely proportional to the quality of that friendship.
I think I’m going to try to drink a half gallon of water a day for the next month to get a bit healthier, so if anyone knows any single men into water sports lemme know.
No weirdos.
Christmas time is my Mom asking me what size shirt I wear and then telling me I’m wrong.
Please tell me I’m not the only one who has tried to open my front door by clicking on a car remote..
Growing old is a gift.
Wetting yourself when you sneeze, not so much. 🤧🙄
Fall Out Boy: she says she’s no good with words but I’m worse
Me: how so?
Fall Out Boy: restouaraunt
Me: ok you win
Dog: Stop staring at me. I don’t talk. Next time don’t take so many Sudafed.
Me: Wow, ok. Rewd.
*grabs my unicorn’s reins* Let’s go.