@fapanislives

Fun Fact: I love it when Americans whose Great Great Great Great Great Great Great Grandfather emigrated from Ireland say “I’m Irish”. No.

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@_SetTheHook_

Worst thing about having sex with a Canadian girl is having to sit through BOTH of our national anthems before we start.

@haveigotnews

After coronavirus is officially renamed, scientists admit they shouldn’t have put it to a public vote but will nonetheless continue to fight the spread of Diseasy McDiseaseface.

@nachdermas

my favorite 15th century artist? definitely uh [thinking of the ninja turtles but trying to not pick an obvious one] master splinter

@bestofnextdoor

“If anyone happens to see a common field mouse run by in a Hot pink sweater, please disregard.”

@jonnysun

i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt hav any chicken so i fried a egg and now im waitig for it to hatch

@Majorboobage

9: Dad, did you know that in some cultures the groom doesn’t even know the bride until after they’re married.

Me: That’s every culture son.

@bonehugsnirony

Being goth is hard. The curse on your boss is not working. Ravens are impossible to train. Deodorant marks on your black clothes. Ugh.