Vet: “I can see the head…
…here’s the neck…
…more neck…
…more neck…
…neck…
…neck…
…neck…
…still more neck…
…neck…
…it’s a giraffe!”
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Doctor: How long have you been in pain?
Women: It started at 7:45am on Monday while I was at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 1997
[traffic stop]
Officer: Ma’am, do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: *backseat full of penguins* Um, I’m guessing the aquarium called?
If anyone ever saw me trying to zip up my jacket I’m pretty sure they’d make me repeat third grade.
Do you ever eat an individual-sized bag of chips and wonder what kind of “individual” only eats seven chips?
Guys named Hugh are 75% ugh
It’s the best dill pickle ever, but the restaurant won’t tell me what kind it is. To what lengths will I go to find out? None.
me: I don’t need to write it down, I’ll remember
me 5 seconds later: oh no
[first day working at a bakery]
Customer: can I get a-
Me (brushing crumbs from my mouth): we’re out
Bad news: With the stock market in a nosedive, I’ve had to increase my retirement age.
Good news: I’m going to live to 157.
employee: should I restock the vegetables
manager: why aren’t you using the time-saving code words from my training
employee: fine, should I *air quote fingers* reproduce
I am not a show off and don’t brag about going to expensive places, but just left the gas station with the tank full. 😆
I was doing well on my diet until I got my period and had to eat four pieces of pizza, a block of cheese, two candy bars, and seven houses.
BOSS: it says here that you’re too sexy for your shirt. Is that a typo?
ME: *doing my little turn on the catwalk* I’m also good with Excel
I ordered Chinese food last night. My fortune cookie said “LOL” and I’ve never agreed with one more.
OMG the land line just rang
OMG we still have a land line
A werewolf is chasing you. Your life flashes before your eyes: crappy jobs, breakups, Ren fairs. The werewolf gets depressed and goes home.
To test my sobriety, my husband asked me to name our 3 children. I said, “Didn’t we do that when they were born?”
Incorporate the word ‘verily’ into casual conversations so they don’t know what century you’re from
running feels great unless you compare it to not running
GIRL: Dad, I want you to meet my boyfriend
DAD: Your bf is a bald eagle?
BALD EAGLE: *adjusting toupee* I’m just a regular eagle actually
Apparently, “lead the way” is not the best response to your neighbour’s “may you burn in the eternal flames of hellfire” after his 17th wind chimes go missing under mysterious circumstances.
Women’s version: Body Soap
Men’s: Body soap + Shampoo + conditioner + lotion + complete breakfast
Sometimes I think I’m the only Brit trying to use up all this spice we stole
I have two kinds of followers
ufo crew: why are we hovering?
ufo captain: i wanna pet those dogs
ufo crew: why not land?
ufo cap: those talking monkeys are annoying af
[at store]
Salesperson: May I help you?
Me: Yes, I need something really nice that my wife can exchange next week
I’ve discovered I own five umbrellas, if anyone wants to stage a musical number.
No, these are my formal Crocs. We’re at a wedding, Sharon.
[math class]
ME: today we’ll learn about [gestures to number on whiteboard] the tenths place
STUDENT: what’s the point?
ME: good question, what is the point of any of this? we’re all gonna die anyway
STUDENT: I mean in that number
ME: oh, that’s the decimal
Don’t be concerned whether your kid will like his or her name when they grow up. You’re the one who should like it because you’re the one that’s going to be yelling it all the damn time.