Fun Fact: If you lie down in an aisle at Walmart for a couple hours, they will tag you and put you in a clearance bin.

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My next tattoo will be “helvetica” written in Arial. When a woman corrects me on it, I will marry her


INTERVIEWER: Would you like a donut?
ME: *takes three*
I: Um, ok, what’s your greatest strength?
ME: [grabbing two more donuts] Self-control


mom: are you kids committing seppuku in there
me: [trying to scoop my guts back inside me] NO
mom: ok… no seppuku


trump may have a point about video game violence, ever since skyrim came out i’ve been climbing to high elevations and shouting bears off of cliffs and i don’t think it’s a coincidence


How long do I have to sleep before I’m legally a bear?


Going through the dealership lot with the salesman, pointing at every car and asking, “what kinda robot does that one turn into?”


Me: So Christ’s body is the bread?

Priest: yes

Me: and he rose from the grave

Priest: yes…

Me: because of the yeast?

Priest: no

Me: okay, none of this makes sense


My boss just fired me because I spent the past 45 minutes taking a crap. I don’t see why he can’t just clean it off his desk, and move on.