Fun Fact: If you lie down in an aisle at Walmart for a couple hours, they will tag you and put you in a clearance bin.
You Might Also Like
If I were a manager at Stabucks I would be like, “You showed up latte for work today!” then when the laughing stops, “but no, you’re fired.”
The city I live in has the highest rate of stalkings in Canada. I told a girl at the grocery store this. Then I told her at the gym.
AMAZON: Did you buy a watch?!
ME: Yeah, it’s-
AMAZON: You might want THIS watch!
ME: No I already-
AMAZON: ONLY WATCHES FOR YOU, FOREVERMORE
HULK WANT LOAN
Bank: We can’t loan to people like you.
GREEN PEOPLE??
*flips table into moon*Bank: People owing 2.6B in property damage.
My wife: “I really do not deserve you.”
Me: “Oh, that’s sweet!”
My wife: “Not a compliment.”
After significant research, I can confirm that toddlers will not go away if you ignore them.
I’m a Twitter guy who is married to a Facebook girl, so I don’t understand how people of differing religions can’t get along.
Me: and from this day I vow never to rest until vengeance is paid and justice pours down like the blood of our enemies
Priest: uh— th—the bride has also written her vows
doctor: I may have to amputate your feet if we can’t stop the infection
me: are there any steps I can take
doctor: not after I’m done
Interviewer: Why do you want to work in customer service?
Me: Well, I’m really good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault
My 4yo just came into the living room, crying, “I don’t want Santa to see me when I poo.”
Being rude underwater is snarkeling
Plot twist: I knock on Jehovah’s Witnesses doors. “I’d like to talk to you about modern science “
If I ever get a dog I’m going to teach him how to fetch useful things like tv remotes, iPhones and men who like red wine.
If you’re reading this, congratulations on not being raptured. Im glad you’re still here.
How can a cemetery raise its burial charges and blame it on the cost of living?
me: how much is this cordless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
My Mom taught me to treat others the way I want to be treated so I always walk up to strangers and spray canned cheese in their mouth.
Why are women starting to turn their homes into yoga studios?
So they can be namaste at home moms.
Schools: Children need consistency and routine
Also schools: Daily class times will be the lucky numbers from your fortune cookie
I enjoy a glass of wine each night for its health benefits.
The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…
[reading dinosaur book]
8YR OLD: that’s a pterodactyl
ME: actually sweetie, it’s a pteranodon…pterodactyl is a pterosaur genus
8: how did you ever get laid?
My doctor said I need to eat more greens, so I got myself a pint of mint ice cream.
[shopping for school supplies with kids]
7 year old: What’s the bottle of champagne for?
Are you on a Wanted Poster, because you are sketchy as hell…
why isn’t there a shovelling event in the winter olympics
So far this “doctor” has insisted on giving me a haircut and 9 shots for a stomach ache and when I questioned her credentials she called the police on me.
4: *hands me toy phone* Talk to them.
Just a reminder that with Die Hard, Robin Hood and Love Actually, ‘Alan Rickman ruins Christmas’ is a whole movie subgenre.
Why do I keep finding a lone shoe when I’m out hiking? Did someone just choose to abandon their shoe and hop along the trail?
Murderer, trying to kill me: what are you doing
Me, very competitive: *holding my breath* beating you to it