“If you love something, set it free…”
Unless it’s a man…
Cause he’ll get lost…
And you know he won’t ask for directions…
Fun fact: if you play Hotel California backwards, and slowed down 30bpm, there’s a fantastic hidden quiche recipe
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Don’t leave the milk out overnight.
The group of water bottles in my room when I bring in another one
*after 12 tequila shots*
Left eye – It’s PARTY TIME!!
Right eye – I’m beat, I’m going to lie down in the corner
If I wanted to drink my lunch I would go to a bar.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who still uses their fingers to count.
[commercial for soup]
Have you ever wanted to eat regular food only with water poured all over it?
Wife’s friend: So what was your C section like?
Wife: Well, it wa….
Me: Omg it was AWFUL. I had to just stand there for like 30 minutes
My behavior when there is a mosquito in the car while I’m driving suggests I am willing to die in order to kill a mosquito.
“do you know why I pulled one over on you?”
becau- wait what?
“I’m not a real cop lol”
*pulls gun* “I am taking your car though”