Fun fact: if you say “I did the math,” nobody argues with you because they don’t want to have to redo the math themselves.
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*buys box of donut holes*
I won’t eat anything that casts a shadow
Insomnia: Hi
Me: Hi
I: Hope I’m disturbing you
M: You are
I: You know what we could do?
M: Let me sleep?
I: HA, no, let’s think about hippos
Hell hath no fury like a woman being told she looks tired.
This will never not be funny to me.
I learn something new every day that I didn’t want to know.
Did you know you have the right to remain silent even when you’re not being arrested?
My great grandfather always used to call me Alan. I thought it was him being silly, but I later discovered I was going to the wrong house.
How to dress when you are a woman over forty:
1. Be a woman over forty
2. Put your clothes on
Grandma, what big eyes you have!
thyroid actin’ up
What big ears you have!
ear infection
What big teeth!
receding gums, look I’m just old ok
I’ve got an aggressive turkey named Winston. While he was in the outside run, I went into the coop to fix the tray on his food dish. The wind blew the door shut and the latch is locked from the outside.
If you don’t hear from me again notify Stephen King of this novel idea.
*scampers over to ice cream truck*
Yes, I’ll take the SpongeBob who looks like he just opened the Ark of the Covenant, please.
[the noise of everyone talking at a party randomly goes silent]
ME: i call hot dogs meat pickles
During lockdown our toddler went through a no clothing stage and we taught her to introduce herself to people by saying “Hi. I’m a nudist.” Now that lockdown is over and she’s actually meeting people I can’t decide if this was a very good or a very bad idea
nurse: name?
me: david
nurse: age?
me: 35
nurse: sex?
me: almost once
Yoou can lead a horse to water but you need a seahorse to continue your journey
I know this intervention is serious business but I see absolutely no snacks here.
When someone buys a new car I like to get them a ziploc bag full of gas as like a car warming present.
Setting a dowry for my teenage daughter. So far I’ve got 2 dogs, 1 little sister and an ant farm. Act before midnight, I’ll toss in an iPad.
If you’re a parent don’t forget to set your clocks forward and then jump out the window.
[Knock at the door]
Man: Can we talk to you about Jesus?
Mary: What’s he done this time?
’50 shades of gray’ -worst set of crayola colored pencils.
A lady was spanking her kid for being a total brat in the grocery store so I had to step in and ask her if she needed me to hold her purse.
I hate it when I’m eavesdropping and people aren’t talking loud enough.
bro think about being homies w Joaquin Phoenix in “her”. trying to console him over his broken heart but at the same wanting to be like “dude she is a phone”
When someone says they love me to the moon and back, I tell them that’s only about 500,000 miles and I expect more tbh.
dogs are toddlers
cats are teenagers
Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg, and some days you’re the guy who jumped off and hit a propeller on the way down.
GF: every time we fight you start interpretive dancing
*i dance beautifully for 12 minutes*
GF: I DONT KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS!