Fun fact: it’s impossible to try to kiss your own neck without looking like you’ve had a stroke
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Pronounces Beyoncé as Bouncy
Just to piss off my kids
My kid went on her first shopping trip with friends and her own money but didn’t even buy the sticker she wanted because “you wouldn’t believe how much things cost” so looks like 11 is when sticker shock first gets you.
I hate when my boyfriend’s snoring wakes me up and then I realize it was my snoring and I don’t have a boyfriend and I’m going to die alone.
My kid’s wish list at age 6: An adorably misspelled handwritten request for toys
My kid’s wish list at age 14: A professionally designed slideshow with links to big-ticket items that ends with the phrase “open your hearts and your wallets”
Is it just me, or have KFCs started getting too picky with their ‘no shoes, no shirt, no service’ policy…?
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with an air-fryer.
[Hardware store]
ME: I’ll take one of those giant forks.
WORKER: That’s a rake.
ME: I’m gonna eat so much spaghetti with that thing.
Professor: There’s no such thing as stupid questions
Me: *clears throat
as a kid: i have to save up for this toy
as an adult: i have to save up for this rent
Can’t believe New Zealand are introducing a new flag just as I finished memorising the old one.
I wonder if anyone ever looked Jesus in the face and saw a piece of toast.
Respond to every “How was your weekend?” today by staring off into the distance & whispering “So much blood…”
me: *tries to schedule car maintenance online*
website: we need you to call for that
me: *calls*
phone message: we’re busy, use the website
me: screams into the void
the void: please use the website
We look weird together like two p’s in a ppod
“you’re so quiet” i wish you were too
If I’m ever possessed, I hope the demon remembers these curls need product to bounce.
Him: I think you pick fights with me to get out of doing things together
Me: That’s not true
H: Wanna go hiking
M: I don’t like your tone
Everyone: Don’t post Endgame spoilers or I’ll kill your family.
Also everyone: Wow here’s how the latest episode of Game of Thrones ended two seconds ago!
[Karaoke Bar]
Me: 🎶 Don’t you forget about me 🎶
Them: *ears bleeding* Definitely not possible.
like a moth to a flame or a human to a refrigerator light bulb.
This time of year, I grab weeds while I’m walking my dog and weave them into little wreaths that I leave around the neighborhood… specifically because there is a woman on Next Door who is furious because she thinks they are signs of witchcraft. I encourage you to do the same.
Inside you are two wolves. One is dressed as your grandmother. The other is huffing & puffing & attempting to blow your house down.
Everyone is drunk except me.
– a horror story
This guy gets it.
Is Lent nearly over? I don’t know how much longer I can hold my breath.
reminiscing fondly on my College roomy Vincent who, when told by the RAs that lava lamps are fire hazard banned from the dorms, replied “guys relax it’s not real lava”
My garden has produced some sick beets, some smashing pumpkins and some red hot chili peppers.
We go on tour in the fall.
I fed the neighborhood cat cheaper cat treats and now she’s meowing Sarah McLachlan songs in my back yard.
judas: i would never betray jesus he’s the best
jesus: my favorite movie is the Minions Movie
judas: i am going to betray the son of God
I took off my shirt when I got home and my wife put her eclipse glasses back on.