@Smooheed

Fun fact: it’s impossible to try to kiss your own neck without looking like you’ve had a stroke

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@moooooog35

One time I brought my kids to work with me and now my boss is way more tolerant of my drinking.

@HatfieldAnne

Betrayal Treasury, Age 5:
Instead of ice cream after my tonsillectomy, a lime popsicle, the texture of which I do not enjoy.

@clichedout

her: what’s up

me: i’m in my car driving

her: cool where

me: in the front seat

her: no like what location

me: driver’s side

@blainecapatch

whenever god closes a door he opens a window because he’s taking a pretty nasty shit in there.

@SamGrittner

I asked my mom what she wanted today and she said “she just wanted me to be happy,” so I’m on ecstasy petting a dolphin right now.

@Eightinchgoat

I wonder which lie came first: “Oops, wrong hole!” or “That’s never happened before!”?

@MomOnFire

Them: You’re burnt out.
Me: Yes.

T: You need a break
M: Yes.

T: I’m worried.
M: Okay. Will you watch my kids for a minute?

T: Hell no.

@neonsinatra

Meat Loaf, Korn, Limp Bizkit, The Cranberries and the Smashing Pumpkins should go on a Thanksgiving Dinner Tour.

@recursivetaco

Me: *seeing a used condom on my lawn* This is disgusting!

Neighbor: OMG STOP TASTING IT

@KalvinMacleod

Day 3 of weight loss challenge: all my coworkers look like tacos. I do not understand how the meat remains in the shell as they walk around.