One time I brought my kids to work with me and now my boss is way more tolerant of my drinking.
Fun fact: it’s impossible to try to kiss your own neck without looking like you’ve had a stroke
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Betrayal Treasury, Age 5:
Instead of ice cream after my tonsillectomy, a lime popsicle, the texture of which I do not enjoy.
her: what’s up
me: i’m in my car driving
her: cool where
me: in the front seat
her: no like what location
me: driver’s side
whenever god closes a door he opens a window because he’s taking a pretty nasty shit in there.
I asked my mom what she wanted today and she said “she just wanted me to be happy,” so I’m on ecstasy petting a dolphin right now.
I wonder which lie came first: “Oops, wrong hole!” or “That’s never happened before!”?
Them: You’re burnt out.
T: You need a break
T: I’m worried.
M: Okay. Will you watch my kids for a minute?
T: Hell no.
Meat Loaf, Korn, Limp Bizkit, The Cranberries and the Smashing Pumpkins should go on a Thanksgiving Dinner Tour.
Me: *seeing a used condom on my lawn* This is disgusting!
Neighbor: OMG STOP TASTING IT
Day 3 of weight loss challenge: all my coworkers look like tacos. I do not understand how the meat remains in the shell as they walk around.