Fun fact: it’s impossible to try to kiss your own neck without looking like you’ve had a stroke
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Looking to sell my DeLorean. Great shape, low mileage. Only driven from time to time
yeh i’ll get up soon i just need to look at the internet first. yes the whole thing
i dont know much about politics but have we ever tried turning a senator into a llama and teaming him up with a working guy to teach him empathy
Husband: The kids shoes are wet from playing in the sprinklers.
Me: Please throw them in the dryer.
Husband: I don’t think we’re allowed to do that as parents.
Me: Their shoes, Craig! Not the children.
*typing “eight spiders” into my calorie app*
Preacher: God’s love is unconditional!
Me: Then why is there a hell?
Preacher:……
Me: Your move.
That show “Catfish” should just be called “People Who Have Never Heard of Google.”
Friend: but when the baby arrives, how will I figure out how to raise her?
Me: when you’re a parent, you just no
The horror:
“Come on, I’ll introduce you to everyone”.
“But, Daddy, I don’t want to shower, because after I’m done with the shower, and before I dry off, I’m really soaked…”
– My kid, coping with the realization that water is wet.
I caught my son punching his sister and he said, “I didn’t punch her, I just poked her arm with my knuckles.”
If escape artist lying was a thing, then my son would be Houdini.
I wish that I had the confidence of my 12 year old who is staring me down as he eats the last ice cream cone that I had hidden in the freezer.
What’sApp
Me: Mom, what’s for dinner?
Mom : typing …*gets married*
*have kids*
*gets old*
*dies*
*goes to hell*Mom: Fish, honey!
An online quiz guessed my age using some incredibly accurate super scientific data and it turns out I’m 25 years old. And obviously we don’t argue with science.
The Victoria’s Secret models should use their wings to fly to a food source.
No thanks Cupid. If I wanted butterflies and my heart skipping beats, I would do something less ridiculous like lose my phone.
centipede: *gets down on one knee*
girlfriend: omg
centipede: *puts down second knee*
girlfriend: uhm…okay
centipede: *puts down third knee*
girlfriend: please stop
Stop saying da Vinci invented the helicopter. He invented the sky corkscrew and it was ridiculous.
Client, “I should have known this marriage was going to fail when he hid my engagement ring in a gas station taquito.”
Me: what are you doing
Cat: WAT
Me: I know that look you’re planning something what is it
Cat: HOW DARE
Cat: AM ONLY THINK INNOCENT THOUGHT
Cat: AM PURE OF HEART
Me: your pupils are huge right now
Cat:
Me:
Cat:
Me: retract those pupils
Cat: JUST GOING 2 DO SMALL DESTROY
DATE: Do you like cats?
ME: *flipping menu* What page are you on?
My superpower- Finding shortest checkout line that takes the most time.
My shoes have cute flowers on them so of course I’m looking at those instead of watching where I’m going
Gin and tonic is weird, sometimes I need a lime wedge and sometimes I need to tell everyone what’s on my mind and then pass out.
God: *creates oceans*
Lucifer: I SEA what you did there LOL
God: Get out
I swear if one more phone call interrupts my internet quiz I will harness whichever Disney villain I am.
[spider party]
black widow: oh yeah looks like there are lots of edible bachelors here
ME: Sometimes I feel like I’m in a bad tweet
NARRATOR: And he was
ME: I see you
NARRATOR: He could see me
ME: Stop
NARRATOR: I did not stop
instagram reminding me of when my little brother ruined a pair of shoes for a class project on entrepreneurship