FUN FACT:
Scientists have proven, there IS in fact life outside the United States.
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Just went outside for 10 mins and the mosquitoes treated me like I was fresh eggs at a continental breakfast
My sister on holiday with the kids, they had a few cute ‘towel animals’ left on the bed during the week but just came back to this
Cat scientists are hard at work trying to solve the mystery of why humans usually walk across an entire room without abruptly deciding to lie on the floor.
[heaven]
ME: Lord?
JESUS: My son
ME: I have an important question
JESUS: I know…The meaning of life is f-
ME: Is Die Hard a Christmas movie?
If Twitter allowed us to attach a signature to each Tweet, mine would be : “He said, stupidly.”
Fitbit: Time for a walk
Me: *walks to snack machine
Me:I gotta go home. Im bleeding & my computers broken
Boss:looks like u just slammed ur head thru the computer screen
Me:what is this CSI?
“Susan, will you marry me?”
“Oh yes Johnny, yes! Yes!”
Ten grand later and it’s still the best prank I ever pulled on my twin brother.
My daughter is able to take one chocolate cookie and then go about her day not caring that there’s more.
I’m pretty sure she’s a witch.
“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance”
-Alcohol
“Which one is you?”
– My favorite response when someone shows me a selfie with other people in it.
sometimes I fill up my bathtub with spaghetti sauce and sit in it and pretend I’m a meatball
Hoping they’ll teach my kid to flush the toilet in college because there are no indications that he’ll figure it out before then
[IKEA meatball recipe]
1/2 lb ground beef
1/2 cup cream
1 small onion finely chopped
4 allen wrenches
20 minute argument
2 tbsp butter
lingonberry or some shit
you’re doing it wrong
salt to taste
just let me do it
Spice up Christmas shopping by entering random fitting rooms, waiting 5 minutes, then yelling, “Hey! There’s no toilet paper in here!”
Karl’s toupee isn’t fooling any one
Doctor said I got this skin rash from an unusually high intake of cream & chocolate. Said it’s the worst case of Cadbury Eggsama he’s seen.
Cleanliness is next to godliness in a dictionary missing some stuff
I secretly hope that twitter keeps extending the character limit as a social experiment, slowly conditioning our attention spans until we’re able to read actual books again
My mom announced her retirement yesterday, and her boss immediately started expressing concerns about all the tax penalties she’d incur by taking Social Security “early.”
And that’s how my mom found out everybody at work thought she was 15 years younger than her actual age.
The only downside is the realization that several people at work knew how old her children were, meaning a lot of people have been operating under the assumption she had a lot of kids in high school.
adding to the discourse
Watching Thor: Ragnorok and never get tired of hearing Bruce Banner brag about his 7 PhDs like it’s a sign of brilliance and not just poor career planning, dude. Like, maybe do the one PhD and then some postdocs, guy.
I miss when the most stressful thing about my day was Gargamel.
this morning i found a spider trapped in its own web and i was like, dude, same
The inventor of Chapstick died today. Unfortunately his body was lost while being transferred to the morgue.
I’m holding out for the fitness watch that tracks my heart rate and shocks me every time I pick up a bag of chips
I’m throwing myself a circumcision party tomorrow, so anybody with a scalpel and a steady hand, stop on by. Jews welcome only with gift.
(Someone finally shuts off a car alarm)
Philip Glass: (sticks head out of apartment window above) HEY I WAS LISTENING TO THAT
When your chip basket is empty and your server’s busy.
I like to pride myself on knowing whether it’s Ice Ice Baby or Under Pressure by the first bum bum bum badda dum bum.