@YES_IM_RUDE

FUN FACT:

Scientists have proven, there IS in fact life outside the United States.

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@daddydoubts

Genie: for your first wish?

Me: I wish my kid would listen to me.

Genie: done, and for your second?

Me: you can go I’m good.

@squirrel74wkgn

*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*

Wife (out of breath): Thanks for holding the elevator open

Me: No problem

@MommaUnfiltered

I’m so sick of answering questions about the age difference between my kids, so I’ve started telling people the oldest one came with the house.

@ChipKellysBalls

Next time you decide to complain about your problems, just remember, some guy out there has Snooki as his mom …

@Angibangie

Prank:

Bring canned food and water to a friends house and say, “the big one is coming.” Don’t explain, just cry.

(helps if ur a scientist)

@Gooooats

Instead of donating my body to science, I’ll donate it to whoever has the best idea for a practical joke involving a dead body.

@AnOrangeSNES

*Mom Godzilla calls Godzilla during the morning*
Mom Godzilla: Are you eating your cities? Belfast is the most important meal of the day.

@Parkerlawyer

My husband let me sleep in late and then made me pancakes.

Someone please let Dateline know my death was absolutely premeditated.

@daemonic3

[invention of croutons]

Let’s make eating salad hurt

@Birdhumms

A selfie stick is very useful…..
.. as a prod to keep people out of your personal space.