@Fred_Delicious

Fun fact: Snakes don’t exist. They were made up by scientists in 1923 as a joke that went too far so they just kinda rolled with it

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@3nymph

[raises eyebrow]
[watches eyebrow graduate]
[cries at eyebrow’s wedding]

@longwall26

It must be almost impossible for chalk-outline guys not to turn victims’ hands into turkeys this time of year.

@desusnice

a black mirror episode where u text someone and they screenshot it for 27.9m ppl

@Sickayduh

Professor: “Did you just show up drunk to my exam?”

No way

“Hungover then?”

Nope

“There’s a lime wedge on your face”

@zachreinert03

One time I saw a duck get hit by a wonder bread truck and that’s pretty much why I try not to get too ambitious

@distracted_monk

Whenever I see someone crying in public, I figure they won Coldplay tickets.

@Darlainky

I refuse to eat at restaurants that say kids are only free one day of the week. Imprisoning children is wrong.

@jazmasta

Been flirting with this hot chick in this bar for almost a hour now. It’s only a matter of time now till nothing sexual happens whatsoever.