@Fred_Delicious

Fun fact: Snakes don’t exist. They were made up by scientists in 1923 as a joke that went too far so they just kinda rolled with it

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@ParanormalQueer

If you’re renting, and your landlord has a no pets policy, you can keep bats as long as you pretend to be mad about it.

@TweetPotato314

Charlie Brown can only afford the one outfit because he works for peanuts.

@mallaidhanne

if any only children have ever wondered what it’s like to have siblings, I just passed two little kids in their yard “sword” fighting, and the younger sibling had a branch, and the older sibling had an entire shovel. It’s just that for your whole life

@OilCan314

I ate an entire box of delicious Triscuit crackers, and 8 hours later gave birth to a wicker chair.

@ReelQuinn

Guy on the plane threw a fit about sitting next to my Therapy Scorpion

@YeahDrewisOn

Her: I can’t believe you slept with her!

Me: WE WERE ON A BREAK!

Her: I just went to the store to buy bread!

Me: Longest six minutes ever

@TheToddWilliams

Boss: It’s been a tough year Jim
J: Am I laid off?
B: No
J: Fired?
B: No
J: What then?
B: You’re to be executed at noon.
J: This is bullshit

@TwatWaffler69

Wife wants to hang pictures of our kids in the bathroom. Like they don’t already spend enough time in there with us.

@AlisonChrista

HER: Promise you won’t overreact?
ME: Yes.
H: They said that you were a little dramatic.
M: Swirls cape and plays long organ chord. “Fools!”