[watches eyebrow graduate]
[cries at eyebrow’s wedding]
Fun fact: Snakes don’t exist. They were made up by scientists in 1923 as a joke that went too far so they just kinda rolled with it
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It must be almost impossible for chalk-outline guys not to turn victims’ hands into turkeys this time of year.
a black mirror episode where u text someone and they screenshot it for 27.9m ppl
Professor: “Did you just show up drunk to my exam?”
“There’s a lime wedge on your face”
Describe myself in 4 words?
Bad at counting.
One time I saw a duck get hit by a wonder bread truck and that’s pretty much why I try not to get too ambitious
Whenever I see someone crying in public, I figure they won Coldplay tickets.
I refuse to eat at restaurants that say kids are only free one day of the week. Imprisoning children is wrong.
Been flirting with this hot chick in this bar for almost a hour now. It’s only a matter of time now till nothing sexual happens whatsoever.
The house is clean, just don’t open any drawers or doors.