@3nymph [raises eyebrow]
[watches eyebrow graduate]
[cries at eyebrow’s wedding]
@Fred_Delicious Fun fact: Snakes don’t exist. They were made up by scientists in 1923 as a joke that went too far so they just kinda rolled with it
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@3nymph 
@longwall26 It must be almost impossible for chalk-outline guys not to turn victims’ hands into turkeys this time of year.
@desusnice a black mirror episode where u text someone and they screenshot it for 27.9m ppl
@Sickayduh Professor: “Did you just show up drunk to my exam?”
No way
“Hungover then?”
Nope
“There’s a lime wedge on your face”
@qwertying Describe myself in 4 words?
Bad at counting.
@zachreinert03 One time I saw a duck get hit by a wonder bread truck and that’s pretty much why I try not to get too ambitious
@distracted_monk Whenever I see someone crying in public, I figure they won Coldplay tickets.
@Darlainky I refuse to eat at restaurants that say kids are only free one day of the week. Imprisoning children is wrong.
@jazmasta Been flirting with this hot chick in this bar for almost a hour now. It’s only a matter of time now till nothing sexual happens whatsoever.
@CantWaitToNap The house is clean, just don’t open any drawers or doors.