If you’re renting, and your landlord has a no pets policy, you can keep bats as long as you pretend to be mad about it.
Fun fact: Snakes don’t exist. They were made up by scientists in 1923 as a joke that went too far so they just kinda rolled with it
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Charlie Brown can only afford the one outfit because he works for peanuts.
if any only children have ever wondered what it’s like to have siblings, I just passed two little kids in their yard “sword” fighting, and the younger sibling had a branch, and the older sibling had an entire shovel. It’s just that for your whole life
I ate an entire box of delicious Triscuit crackers, and 8 hours later gave birth to a wicker chair.
Guy on the plane threw a fit about sitting next to my Therapy Scorpion
Her: I can’t believe you slept with her!
Me: WE WERE ON A BREAK!
Her: I just went to the store to buy bread!
Me: Longest six minutes ever
Boss: It’s been a tough year Jim
J: Am I laid off?
J: What then?
B: You’re to be executed at noon.
J: This is bullshit
Wife wants to hang pictures of our kids in the bathroom. Like they don’t already spend enough time in there with us.
HER: Promise you won’t overreact?
H: They said that you were a little dramatic.
M: Swirls cape and plays long organ chord. “Fools!”