
If youβre renting, and your landlord has a no pets policy, you can keep bats as long as you pretend to be mad about it.
Fun fact: Snakes don’t exist. They were made up by scientists in 1923 as a joke that went too far so they just kinda rolled with it
If youβre renting, and your landlord has a no pets policy, you can keep bats as long as you pretend to be mad about it.
Charlie Brown can only afford the one outfit because he works for peanuts.
if any only children have ever wondered what it’s like to have siblings, I just passed two little kids in their yard “sword” fighting, and the younger sibling had a branch, and the older sibling had an entire shovel. It’s just that for your whole life
I ate an entire box of delicious Triscuit crackers, and 8 hours later gave birth to a wicker chair.
Guy on the plane threw a fit about sitting next to my Therapy Scorpion
Her: I can’t believe you slept with her!
Me: WE WERE ON A BREAK!
Her: I just went to the store to buy bread!
Me: Longest six minutes ever
Boss: It’s been a tough year Jim
J: Am I laid off?
B: No
J: Fired?
B: No
J: What then?
B: You’re to be executed at noon.
J: This is bullshit
Wife wants to hang pictures of our kids in the bathroom. Like they don’t already spend enough time in there with us.
HER: Promise you won’t overreact?
ME: Yes.
H: They said that you were a little dramatic.
M: Swirls cape and plays long organ chord. “Fools!”