Fun Fact – The faster you walk around the office the more important you are
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Too tall: “How’s the weather up there?”
Too short: “How’s the weather down there?”
Average height: “I am cursed to rely on others to know what the weather is like”
Me: this pot sucks
Wife: *surrendering any remaining hope of future joy* no the other kind of pot roast
Other kids growing up wanted to be a cowboy or a spaceman. Me, I wanted to be a hippopotamus.
And I’ve still got time.
[one tweet gets 10 likes]
me: ok i gotta be careful now about what i put on my timeline. i have a successful brand to protect.
Him: What’re you eating?
Me: All of it.
*puts salt and pepper in shopping cart, pushes real good
The honesty is refreshing
looking back on it, it’s even funnier how those celebrities decided it was time to sing us that “Imagine” montage after being stuck inside for like 36 hours
Date: so what do you do
Me: i build dog houses
Date: oh you’re an “arf”itect lol
Me: haha good one
Date:
Me: (under breath) it’s “bark”itect
Waiter: here’s your milksha-
James Bond: grrrrrrr
Waiter: -stirred your milkstirred
I’m still disappointed that Penguin and Random House merged to become Penguin Random House and not the more hilarious Random Penguin House.
*watching John Wick*
Ugh, 222 stairs would be difficult enough without fifty guys trying to kill me
Every homemade dinner counts as negative calories because of the exercise we get waving pillows at the smoke detectors.
U know your mind is gone when u get out of bath and realize u only shaved one leg
Unless u only have one leg… Then you’re good
“you can be a good parent and hide chocolate chip cookies from your kids” she whispers as she wipes crumbs off her chin and quietly closes the freezer door
Me: What do you want for your birthday?
12yo: I don’t know
Me, jokingly: Drugs?
12yo: Nah, too expensive
Me:
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: Wow. Nobody’s ever asked me that.
Interviewer: Take a minute to th-
Me: Arendelle.
I’m supposed to wear a blouse and slacks to an event. This looks like a job for FuneralPants.
Wife just found out my ring tone for her is “ding dong the witch is dead” so if anyone wants to race to Canada READY SET GO
Girls, your friends lied when they said chopping your hair off looked cute. They are just happy that their man wont want to bang you
Me: (from the back of the ambulance) CHANGE THE RADIO
Medic: Sir you need to conserve your strength
Me: I AM NOT DYING TO A COLDPLAY SONG
*Friend sees my knuckle tats*
F: ‘MMA4LYFE,’ really?
*I put my fists by my English prof’s ‘OXFORDCO’ knuckle tats*
*we start break dancing*
Called in, “Didn’t realize this eyeliner was permanent” this morning.
I avoid eye contact like everyone is trying to sell me $20 fundraiser popcorn.
We need to take better care of the ocean because terrifying things live down there & if we destroy their home, they are going to come into ours. If you think traffic is bad now, wait until Cthulhu is sitting in the middle of the highway trying to eat a school bus.
Youtube cooking video: and you can add a little of this if you have some lying around
Me: I promise you I do not
Her: Babe, I need some sex in the worst way!
Him: Lucky for you, that’s the only way I know.
[Me as a Sunday school teacher]
…then on the third day Odin went to Valhalla so that warriors who died in battle would have eternal life.
We just got new neighbors and if they play their cards right I won’t know anything about them just like what’s-his-name that lived there before them.
i am tired of the human pretending. they don’t control the weather. sometimes they open the door. and it leads into the rain. but i have literally seen them. open the exact same door. and it be sunny on the other side