@envydatropic

Fun Fact – The faster you walk around the office the more important you are

Fun Fact – The faster you walk around the office the more important you are

- @envydatropic

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@Try2StopME

The ancient Egyptians had strict burial requirements which may or may not have included being dug up & displayed in a museum years later.

@JB4Realz

[FIRST DATE]
HER: I love babies.
ME *to waiter*: She’ll have the veal.

@annadrezen

My friend offered me a free pole dance class. I said no. With my debt, the last thing I need to find out is that I’m great at pole dancing.

@Chumpstring

Attention Prayer Warriors: My neighbor left town for a funeral today. Please pray for God to protect & guide me as I steal his barbecue pit.

@sad_saurus

Monster under the bed: Look, I was going to scare you but this is sad. You’ve been in bed for 15 hours.

Me: I’ll go to the restroom after the next episode is over.

Monster: You said that last episode, I just want to go see my kids.

@ErrenMichaels

[First person to ride a horse]
‘I’m going to sit on that thing and I don’t care how angry it gets.’

@KentWGraham

I was misbehaving during family game night. So now I’m in Solitaire confinement.

@YWIR

Keep your friends close, your enemies close, aliens not so close, ghosts close, snakes close, skeletons close, everything just in a big pile

@ThugRaccoons

Me: What do mathematicians and marine biologists have in common?

Wife: Oh god

Me: They study algae, brah!

Judge: Divorce granted