Fun Fact: The one thing that married couples always agree on is that most fights are started by their spouse.
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Could be worse. Someone could be trying to tell you that everything happens for a reason.
Anyone who says cheetahs are the fastest land mammals hasn’t seen me move a cat off an expensive area rug before he pukes.
[canadians at you, canadianly]
Watching the history channel and feeling clever when the guy said “and this dinosaur was called pterodactyl” and I’m thinking “called by who, there was nobody there”
What do we want? A 2016 calendar! When do we want it? Late 2015!
Hey “greatest generation” why is every thrift store filled with ceramic clowns
Talk to your kids about drugs.
Maybe they have better connections than you.
I bet the worst part about being a birthday cake is when you’re set on fire, and then eaten by the hero that saved you.
This is probably going to sound really gay, but the sunset is GORGEOUS right now and I love making out with dudes.
I remember being about 6 years old and my grandfather did an Easter egg hunt for me and my sister. We looked for hours and found nothing. He later told us it was to teach us a very valuable lesson: Easter is not in November.
It’s time to clean the refrigerator when something closes the door from the inside…
(wine tasting)
WOW THIS ONE TASTES LIKE WINE TOO. I’M LIKE 5 FOR 5 NOW. KEEP ‘EM COMIN’!
I am determined to save money. I don’t care what it takes: making coffee at home, lowering the thermostat, purchasing $200 of stuff I don’t need to qualify for free shipping. Whatever it takes.
If at first you don’t succeed you will get a lot of advice from people who didn’t succeed either.
Waiter: here’s your milksha-
James Bond: grrrrrrr
Waiter: -stirred your milkstirred
I often think if I’d taken a different path in life, I could be lying on a slightly more comfortable sofa right now.
My opponent would have you believe I wear a tinfoil hat to block government mindreaders. I wear it to pretend I am from space. No questions
My hobbies are scrolling through twitter, charging my phone and being generally dissatisfied with things.
Yes, Firefox. I will abort the script but only to save the life of the web page.
If you can’t be with the one you love, love the grilled cheese you’re with.
[first day as lifeguard]
Kid: *waving dramatically*
Me: hey are u waving at me or those kids behind me?
I held my friend’s baby today and I heard my uterus whispering, “put the baby down and no one will get hurt”.
If you forget what it’s like to talk on a Pay Phone, just lick the handle of a shopping cart
If you’re stuck at the top of a tree and afraid to get down, call me. I have no fear of heights so getting the chainsaw from my attic is not even an issue.
Every day, my kids walk around the basket of clothes in their room to avoid putting them away.
So, I guess it’s hereditary.
The only thing I’ve ever dropped at midnight is my standards.
My toddler kept asking for uncle hall and I’m like dude we don’t have an uncle hall in our family. Turns out he was asking for ALCOHOL so I was all dude you’re just 3yo so would you rather beer or wine?
You can’t tell me there’s anything better than ear plugs, I simply will not hear it
Wait unicorns aren’t real?
Are you saying that I made out with a regular horse?
I love when shows have cops escaping jail to finish solving a murder like you broke out to go back to work 😭