Fun fact: the person who said “If you love something let it go” died alone, surrounded by 342 cats.
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[Using My Shrink Ray]
Me: I feel so small
Ray: *taking notes* Let’s explore that
“Would you rather marry your ex or spend a year in jail?”
Me: Only 12 months to go
Nutritionist: Do you eat salad?
Me: Yes, I love potato salad.
Nutritionist: no
If you need a smile today, here’s a wonderful outtake with Robin Williams and Elmo 😂❤️
Coworker: I have a degree in History. Me: That’ll really come in handy if life starts going backwards.
Allow me to demonstrate my special technique of hearing what isn’t being said.
I don’t use chocolate chip cookies to solve my problems, only treat the symptoms.
[Flat-earth expedition log]
Day 746: We continue to sail West in search of the edge. Earth is much larger than we believed & surprisingly repetitive. We sailed past another island with huge stone heads on it. That’s the third one so far.
Gay marriage is about to become legal in England. Hey, America, how does it feel when your parents are cooler than you?
Hey, NSA, if you’re going to read them, would it kill you to star them?
Me: *doing a cute TikTok dance with my grandma*
Headline reads: ‘Two Old Ladies Do TikTok Dance’
Hi, my name’s Ray. I’ll be drawing your blood today as soon as I finish this Capri Sun.
*misses hole 4 times then punches straw through bag*
Italian names sound delicious. Even Mussolini, sounds like a fried cheese that ends up oppressing your digestive process. #Italians
People pass a joint around like it’s no big deal, but the minute I ask someone to do that with their Subway sandwich, I’m a weirdo.
The more I parent the more convinced I am that the ears on toddlers are purely for decoration.
I like to say “good morning” to older people after 1pm & watch their face burn with the hate fire of a thousand suns for me & my generation.
Dad: “So what are you going to do after you graduate?”
Me: “well, mom said we’ll probably go out somewhere to eat”
Me: Sleep time
Brain: Remember in 9th grade when you rhymed “bridges” with “bridges” in a poem & didn’t notice till you were reciting aloud?
*Flirting before having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of my naked body]*Flirting after having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of our bed with freshly changed sheets]
The waiter here is SO sweet
bringing me 4 forks with my cake just in case I drop one.
Mood.. 😂
Good man! 👦🏻😡💪👍
Batman trying to get some sleep during the day
*eats a bag of chips*
*eats 2 baked potatoes*
*eats a plate of fries*
*eats a plate of mashed potatoes*Being a vegetarian is easy!
Ghosts who are trying to quit smoking chew spirit gum
I don’t care your religion, sexual preference or politics, if you’re a respectful person, I’ve have a drink with you…
Them: Great, I’ll order a decaf
Me: Get the hell out of my sight!
Friend: I can’t believe they’re already selling Halloween candy in sto—
Me: *Already in the car, driving to the store*