Fun fact: they used acronyms back in colonial times too but DOS meant Dead of Smallpox and LMFAO meant Lost My Farm and Outbuildings
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Husband: On top of spaghetti, all covered with cheese.
Me: *heavy breathing* Keep going.
i never would have bought this abandoned lighthouse if i knew that the city wouldn’t let me drop watermelons from the top
I’m jealous of Gen Z for missing the era of the “cute top.” I once asked a forum about club outfits ideas and everyone said “jeans and a cute top” and I said “what’s an example of a cute top” and they all just laughed and told me to Google it
Me: huh why is Cinnamon Toast Crunch Shrimp trending
30 seconds later: I’ve made a terrible mistake
Ugh
Caught my son running a Google search for “adult entertainment”. I was mortified. We are strictly a Bing family.
Me: You’re so selfish!
Her: I’m selfless! I spent the last 4 weekends giving back to my community.
Me: Oh Please, that was court-ordered..
My 4yo just started playing rock, paper, scissors with himself. The good news is he won.
Flex on your party guests by requiring a CAPTCHA to flush
When a patron comes into the library the Saturday after Thanksgiving and asks “What’s the right way to cook a turkey,” I know I’m being asked not to provide practical information but rather to get involved in a heated family dispute
The best part about pooping with the door open is seeing the faces of everyone in the elevator.
Coworker: What are those chocolate coins you guys get on Hanukkah called?
Me: Gelt.
Coworker: Guilt?
Me: No, Jews get that all year round.
friend: the bathroom is upstairs
me(drunk): wtf? *pees pants*
[job interview]
Interviewer: are you familiar with microsoft word
Me: yes i’ve heard that word many times
The purpose of hangers is to put a zig zag wrinkle in your pants at the knees.
Everyone gets ONE famous scientologist they’re allowed to pretend isn’t really a scientologist in order to fully and purely enjoy their work.
I thought I saw a spider on the floor…Turns out it was a paper clip.
It’s dead now.
No need to panic.
Mom pro tip: If you’re old enough to critique what I put in your lunch, you’re old enough to make it yourself.
I’ve seen or heard about Batman’s parents’ death so many times I feel like an accessory to murder for not going to the authorities.
I broke my finger yesterday. On the other hand, I’m okay.
[sees shark fin swimming toward me]
Oh no
[its a boy wearing a shark fin hat]
Phew
[the boy is riding a shark]
Oh no
Today’s homeschooling Google searches:
“Can I help you?”
“Please communicate my desire to open a dialogue with the ownership of this establishment regarding the possible procurement of gainful employment as promulgated by the advertisement affixed to the portal.”
“So, you’re here about the job?”
“Most indubitably.”
Hagrid: yer a wizard Harry!
Harry: *y’er
Two people are breaking up outside my window right now & I just heard one of them scream YOU DON’T EVEN FOLLOW ME ON INSTAGRAM. Some things are unforgivable.
“Tell me about yourself”
Well, I’m a Canadian-
“Oh yeah? Tell me a joke funnyman”
My husband just said, “I have a game I think you’d be interested in that I bet you haven’t heard of…
It’s called Wordle”
It’s the weekend; time to get my nopes up.
I am a:
⚪️ boy
⚪️ girl
🔘 dormant ancient forest spiritseeking a:
⚪️ lover
⚪️ friend
🔘 mortal to accidentally open a cursed text and release me from my slumber to seek revenge on those who sought to bind my power