Fun fact: Through late fees, I alone kept Blockbuster going from 2003-2005.
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[drive thru window]
[apologize to homeowners]
What do you mean I didn’t win I ate more wet t-shirts than anyone else
Become a minion. Get that bread.
No, YOU didn’t tighten the cap on my urine sample
“I got up at 4 am so I could bite my mom and eat a frog and pee on the floor right after I peed outside”
[Applebee’s, 49 BC]
waiter: what would you like, sir
Caesar: gimme that salad named after someone famous *wink, wink*
waiter: *hands him a Cobb salad*
My brother in law sent us adorable Valentines from our 14 month old niece who we have never met (They live in Canada)
Her litlte red handprints are the card are so sweet…except it also kinda looks like she bathed in the blood of her enemies and then sent us a warning
My daughter just announced she’s SICK of stupid-ass people. I said “Oh darlin, you’re gonna feel ill for a long time.. they’re everywhere.”
My son told me I need to show more interest in sports, so now I sit next to the TV, stare at my phone, and occasionally yell “Go team!” Then I look up, realize the hockey game is long over, and oh look, I’m cheering for Law and Order.
“Say TGIF ONE more time” I say, scowling at my coworker with no children, “Go ahead, say it again.”
Got drunk and told the dog she’s adopted last night
When I go jogging, I listen to a portable CD player, so people think I’ve been running for 10 years.
I had a dream I went to Hell and Satan forced me to sing karaoke with him.
That’s right, the Devil made me duet.
What a year we’ve had this week.
Doctor: *eyes wide*
Me: let me start by saying it seemed like a good idea at the time
For someone who doesn’t have any friends, I seem to ask a lot of questions for them.
Mugger: Put all your cash in this bag.
Me, caught up in a MLM scheme: What if I told you that instead of money I have the power to be my own boss?
Mugger: Oh wow you really have nothing.
Me: Come and rob me in like four weeks I swear I’ll have so much money
Well son, in the ’90s, there was no drooling emoji. You had to show up at a girl’s door and actually drool.
doctor: I’m going to take out your appendix
me: oh okay *shouts at my belly* YOU HAVE A SUITOR
Why is it so dry under the lawn chairs? Cause the lawn canopy
INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Feed a cold.
2) Starve a fever.
3) Make fever watch cold eat.
4) Tell cold he’s a good boy.
5) Look at fever with disdain.
If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
Ya I am too Dave it’s nothing to be proud of
me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER
Wifey put some girly glitter soap in the bathroom. This morning I look like I either just came from the strip club, or showered with Ke$ha.
Always love a woman for her personality. They have like 10, so you can choose.
Either way, I don’t think we should let Shrodinger near any more cats.
The name Corey is short for Coriander. Coreys will try & tell you it’s not but they are lying.
[Inventing limes]
God: we need a fruit that is useless without alcohol
I apparently said “keratin” instead of “ketamine” when discussing treatment options with my psychiatrist, so the bad news is that I remain a terminal depressive, but wow, my frizz is really well controlled.