Fun fact: When swimming upstream, salmon can jump up as high as 6 feet.
Unless its a white salmon.
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I use the yellow colored emojis. My wife uses the flesh colored ones. Somehow we make things work.
The “walk of shame” should be going to a bar the next morning after being drunk looking for your lost debit card.
[trying to buy pants]
Clerk: Sir you need pants to shop here.
Titanic passenger: iceberg
Titanic chef: no its romaine
Passenger: *pointing* iceberg!
Chef: oh no!
Passenger:
Chef: we’ve served you the wrong salad
*into earpiece during date*
Ok now maintain eye contact
No not that kind of contact
Bro do not touch her eyes
Get your eye away from hers
My Boyfriend hates it when we role play and I’m the Doctor cause I make him wait 3 hours bill him then send in a med student named Chad.
[trying something new]
Me: I might mess this up.
Friend: Believe in yourself.
Me (determined): I WILL mess this up.
the moral of the Phantom of the Opera is that sometimes there’s this weird guy who is impossible to deal with
Why do people say “get well soon”?
Why don’t you want me to get well now?
He was a man of peace…until they burned down his village. Now, the quest for vengeance has turned him into…A Man Of Burning Things Down
I bought a 3D printer, now I can print a moral compass
Him: Im just going to grab a quick beer with Tod after the gym, it shouldn’t take long.
Brain: that seems reasonable, you are not even gonna be home.
Hormones: tell him you hope he lives happily forever after with Tod.
olympic swim laps would get faster if they held swimming during winter olympics
[morning]
her: did you dream about me?
me: that depends…are you a member of the Backstreet Boys?
her: umm no
me: then no
*Knocks on Misery’s door*
Me: Hey! I heard you love company.
Misery *through mail slot*: not you
Teenager: *eats three corn dogs and a row of Chips Ahoy* mom what’s for dinner
Sitting on the patio having coffee a bee lands on my arm I am still no flailing of arms I become one with the bee
Narrator: bee stings the shit out of him
All these silly debates on social media are all a ploy to distract you from the fact that they are moving public urinals closer together everyday.
Two hard boiled eggs I left on the table before going to wash hands?
Just realized “do not operate heavy equipment” is not even meant as a concern for your safety. Just their liability if you drive a combine thru a playground
New Subway rule: You must give the person in front of you a wedgie if they take more than 5 seconds to choose what kind of bread they want.
Amazon notifies me that my package arrived like it wasn’t unboxed 5 minutes ago.
Welcome to your 40s, your eyebrows are now a federally protected wildlife habitat.
MY NECK, MY BACK, A STRANGER TOOK MY CAT
How do I delicately tell my toddler that her birthday is actually 254 days away and not tomorrow like she says it is? With a cake? Maybe some balloons?? A few new toys wrapped in wrapping paper???
sometimes the people that hurt us the most are the people with nunchucks
Some BUNNY once told me the world was gonna roll me.
— an Easter egg
They make SAVORY soup now? No more dessert soup for me!