18: You & I are getting fat bec. u cook so damn good! IT’S.ALL.YOUR.FAULT!
I was insulted, complimented, then scolded in under 2.5 seconds.
Fun Fact: When the bartender asks if you want two or three fingers, he isn’t always talking about the liquor.
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Some people are looking for the meaning of life. I’m still looking for the meaning of I licky boom boom down.
My heart hurts when you’re not around
Me When I’m Sick: *very careful not to cough around my kids, tries to wipe down the surfaces I touch, don’t share food with them etc*
My Kids When They Are Sick: *sneezes directly into my mouth*
I wear the same 2 Halloween costumes every year. I start off as a “ghost” and end up as a “drunk ghost that needs a ride home.”
an alarm clock that repeatedly & loudly makes the sound of a windshield wiper going across a windshield that is not completely wet
[me as a poltergeist]
*putting an empty milk carton back in the fridge* ooooOooOooooo
Bill: we’ll call it BILLOSOPHY
Phil [pulling out briefcase and assembling gun]: Good idea! Steal my board idea now this? Not again
I really can’t believe the price some women pay for sunglasses.
I’m starting to think it’d be cheaper to get the kitchen window tinted.
How dare you let common sense get in the way of my dreams. If I want to be a kangaroo astronaut who day drinks just let me be.