@rpbateman

Fun Fact: When you die, someone will feel inconvenienced that your funeral is on a particular day. lol

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@caseytduncan

I only have eyes for you. I got them from the morgue. I’ll probably get arrested.

@stephenjmolloy

Magician: *pulls a rabbit out of a hat and makes doves appear from a handkerchief*

Zookeeper: And the penguin in your backpack. Hand it over.

@birbigs

“It’s Christmas Eve, not Christmas Steve.” -confused homophobe

@MikeBigby

*Belle falls in love with Beast*

Everyone: STOCKHOLM SYNDROME!! Called it!

*Belle speaks to furniture*

Everyone: this is fine

@TheToddWilliams

[blind date]

HER: I’m a big country fan

ME {trying to impress her}: China is very large

@youngcogan

when I had surgery I assumed that when they were giving me aesthetic that they’d count down from ten like you see on the telly but instead a czech nurse just looked down at me and said “goodbye” and I was gone. i laugh every time i think about it.

@ElleOhHell

Haley: Hey how’s it going
Hayleigh: I’m beighsicalleigh okeigh

@murrman5

[waiting with friend for his test results]
“I’m nervous”
I’m sure you’re fine *sees 2 doctors playing rock paper scissors outside room*

@JimGaffigan

Hate weight limit signs in the elevator. Then I’m put in the awkward position of telling some pregnant woman she has to take the stairs.