Fun Fact: When you die, someone will feel inconvenienced that your funeral is on a particular day. lol
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Pre-diction: Baby’s first words will be garbled.
We can put a robot on Mars but we can’t make a hand rail that goes the same speed as an escalator.
Pirates invented the diving board but get no credit
Can’t wait for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
I have 1 calorie left for the day on MyFitnessPal app. I think I’ll eat this fruit fly that’s been annoying me.
Someone please tell me this is for something other than a baby conference/infant symposium
I changed my hubby’s name and pic to the Easter Bunny in my phone so my kid can text “him”
I freaked out later when EB was calling me.
Mensa should be contacting me any day now.
sometimes late at night i look up at the stars and wonder what life would be like if my hair was spaghetti. would i eat it? i prolly would. would i eat other peoples hair spaghetti? again, most likely yes
My husband thinks it’s really weird I only like green bananas and I think it’s really weird I have a husband.
Fun fact: Whenever no one is looking at Mount Rushmore, the presidents’ heads all make out.
Sun Tzu’s The Art of War is very applicable in the business world. Just today I made my boss sit facing the window so he had sun in his eyes
You love him. Your parents approve him. He buys you flowers and chocolate. He wrote you a poem that rhymes “wood” with “food.”
[high school reunion]
Amanda: wow, you haven’t changed a bit
me: [covered in acne and wearing faded Pokemon shirt]: yeah I know
It’s called a charm offensive. I’m like the softest baby bunny who doesn’t respect you.
After 46 years of service, Voyager 1 has stopped communicating with Earth, even Voyager 1 has had enough of our f****** bullshit.
When I’m in a conference room all by myself I like to pretend I’m having a very important meeting with chairs about chair shit.
“Google Earth gives you the freedom to journey across the ocean and take an intimate look at the pyramids.”
*Googles my ex’s house*
named my phone lois lane bc it doesn’t recognize me with glasses on either.
Me: “Breath mint?”
Her: “Sure.”
M: “Don’t mean to offend.”
H: “None taken.”
M: “Great. Good to hear. Care for a push up bra?”
My 7 year old asked me if he could have a poster of an “artist named Eminem” and I flexed on him by telling him how I saw Eminem live in his hometown of Detroit.
911: What is your emergency.
M: I need to report a home invasion. This woman looks like my mother in law but she’s smiling. Please hurry.
My 7yr old fell and I wanted to say “Are you okay? Be careful.” Instead it came out at as “Are you careful?” That answer would be an obvious no.
“I’m gonna sneak past you.” No you’re not. You’ve alerted me.
uncle dave has been through hell
Went on a trampoline with my 1 year old and learned that if you jump JUST right it unfortunately turns into a baby catapult.
A woman asked me if I’d be having any more kids. When I said no she said “you can’t have just one!” and I told her she was thinking of potato chips.
I talk a lot of shit for a girl who can’t function when the sock seam is twisted.
You can tell a lot about a person
by his hot dog stand orderI knew the guy was a Buddhist when
he said “Make me one with everything”
Everyone on twitter: (already terrified all of the time)
Mashable: [promoted tweet] This cute new robot can shudder and squirm through the underside of a closed door and inject heart-stopping drugs from ten feet away! 😍