Fun fact: zombies actually walk normal when they’re drunk
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2016: omg, wtf is happening?
2017: is this a bad dream?
2018: no seriously, WTF?!
2019: things couldn’t get worse
2020: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE
My friend is mad because I called her baby the cutest little freak show. The CUTEST tho… it’s like she missed that part.
BREAKING: Pluto is once again a regular planet.
“It was always huge & full sized!” said one dwarf planet scientist with a fake mustache.
My wife never talks about the 99 times I watched her purse and didn’t lose it.
As I sit in this coffee shop practicing for my Sign Language final it occurs to me, all of these people probably think that I’m talking to myself.
I assume the #1 reason people change their identity is b/c they answered “You too” when the barista said “Enjoy your bagel.”
This is a wasp nest that has grown around the flood lights on a garage and yes you will see it in your nightmares tonight
How in the hell do people lose their children in a mall?
Seriously, any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.
College guy: [massaging head] Oh man I got so trashed last night.
Raccoon: [massaging stomach with his little raccoon paws] Me too man.
My son had a meltdown because his sister accidentally stepped on his piece of popcorn shaped “perfectly like an octopus” and he was saving it for “his collection.” I don’t know about this collection. I don’t want to know about this collection.
Me: I just feel really sad and helpless. It’s like nothing I do can make things better.
Brain: Have you tried eating an entire sheet of brownies about it?
Me: What?
Brain: Eat brownies about it.
Me: [Pre-heating the oven] makes sense.
job interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness
me: that I need money. imagine if I was adequately funded? my god. the carnage
We buried our grandad with his exercise bike – he’s spinning in his grave.
There comes a point in every day that we all have to do something we don’t like.
[Gets out of bed]
The guy who first said “hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil” was a genius, but the next guy who put it with monkeys, not so much.
*gets served divorce papers during the reception*
Welcome to twitter, the support group for people who like people who don’t like people.
Praying Mantis wife: Are u cheating on me?
Praying Mantis husband [his missing head replaced by a marble]: What on earth gave u that idea?
DAD: I invented a diaper that’s also a time machine!
MOM: Where do the poops go
DAD: dunno!
[CUT TO: A BUNKER IN GERMANY, 1942]
HITLER: omfg
I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.
She has style. She has grace. She has mayonnaise on her face
How it started How it’s going
Her: My name is Katherine but you can call me Bunnie!
Me: No, Katherine. I don’t believe I can.
Diet day 1
I have removed all the bad food from the house.
It was delicious.
me: what are you going to be when you grow up?
5: beautiful.
“It’s just me, my board, and my iron, catching some sweet sweet wrinkles.”
[bursts into garage]
“why is your car still on? you’ve been in here for 3 days”
i’m trying to kill myself
“but you drive an electric car”
[during sex]
her: hurt me
me: there’s only one season of firefly
Him: do you have a pen?
Me: yes. (walks away)
Trainer: What’s the most intense part of your work out?
Me: Getting into my sports bra.