@bacon_gillepic

Fun fact: zombies actually walk normal when they’re drunk

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@AllanForsyth

“Our guests often come for a week but stay for months.”

– The cruise industry, putting a positive spin on Covid-19.

@mortimermaiden

Me: I don’t trust our mailman.
Wife: Why?
Mailman: [from closet] Yeah, why?

@Book_Krazy

*Ok, don’t let them know you’re a dog*

Him: The job is yours. Here’s the keys to your new office. [tosses keys]

*catches keys in my mouth*

@mrtruthandsoul

I’m always two drinks away from digging up my backyard to look for dinosaur bones

@NewDadNotes

Mother Goose: I need some ideas for my nursery rhymes.

Me: a young boy and girl fall down a hill and the boy suffers a head injury.

Mother Goose: what? these are for children

Me:

Mother Goose:

Me: an egg falls off a wall and dies.

@Gupton68

It’s one of life’s cruellest jokes that just as your kids reach an age where they’ll allow you to sleep through the night, your bladder hits the age that says, ‘no you won’t!’

@fanofhell

guy: hey that’s a great truck. what kinda engine?
me: [rubbing the hood] it’s got a truck engine

@SocialMediaLia

Use a tortilla as a lap napkin so you can still eat all the food you spill