Fun Fact:
A burrito will never sleep with your best friend behind your back.
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quick somebody give me a grocery to buy. I absolutely cannot walk out of this store with just cucumbers and coconut oil.
If you watch Titanic backwards, you are an idiot. That is not the way movies are meant to be watched.
I feel for any dog who’s owned by a homeless guy. The poor pooch must be thinking “Where does this guy live, we’ve been walking for 3 years”
*putting 4 to bed*
Me: we’re going to have a better day tomorrow, right?
4: no
Me: I just mean there was too much crying and whining today… so let’s try less crying and whining tomorrow
4: no, I won’t do that
Me:
4:
Me: ok, good talk
4: no
My two teenagers are very different. My son always wants money, whereas my daughter prefers the convenience of my credit card.
By the end of shelter at home, my house will be spotless. Oh sure, I’ll be drunk and confused, but so will the germs.
The correct response to the question “Are you Ticklish?” Is letting the person know you have a firearm
Accidentally called my therapist mom again. He was not pleased.
spider: I need 4 pairs of pants
assistant: might I suggest, instead of pants, a dress
spider: I’ll give it a try
[later]
spider: *twirling in a billowy dress* I feel fantasticassistant: very attractive, sir
[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
[creation]
PORCUPINE: So what’s my deal
GOD: Basically a fat lazy rat that eats sticks and your vision sucks
P: WTF dude are you serious
G: lmfao yeah bro
P:
G:
P: Can… I at least be covered in thousands of tiny swords
G:
P:
G: HELL YES THAT IS METAL AF MY MAN
If she ever says: What did you just say!? I recommend an immediate heart attack and let the paramedics carry you out of the room.
[pet store]
Me: your parrot called me a cracker.
Manager: maybe he was asking..
[from the back] TALK YOUR SHIT WHITE BOY *parrot whistle*
At a seminar. Cannot wait to drop someone during a trust fall.
My kid will be out of the house in a few years and it just makes me sad thinking about how much work I’ll have to put into updating her room to a home gym
My daughter said I was too old for over-the-knee boots so I bought two pair and told her she was too young to borrow them.
Friday night party time 🥳
I always use a short cut when I’m going to knife fight a midget.
Psychiatrist: “Your check bounced and was returned for insufficient funds.”
Me: “So how does that make you feel?”
Babysitting is a way for teenagers to feel like adults while adults go out to feel like teenagers.
Boxing is like a dance, a dance where you punch your dance partner until he doesn’t want to dance anymore.
I call my job ‘Workle’ because it usually takes me 4 to 6 tries to get anything done.
There is nothing like the sound of a child’s laughter to remind you that your apartment is haunted.
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to have pizza.
Ferrari squats
I’m already getting anxious over Christmas due to my Santa Claustrophobia-the fear of being smothered in an elevator by a crowd of Santas.
Sister: What can I get your kids this year?
Me: They’ll be happy with gift cards…How about your gang?
Sister: Joey wants the Ark of the Covenant…and Sally would like anything from the lost city of Atlantis…but don’t put yourself out.
Me:
2night’s funniest bit: a fellow comic enters the room &, given a choice between talking w/ me & w/ a homeless man, chooses the homeless man.
My husband told me the garage light would shut off within 3 minutes of shutting the garage door, and it’s only been 4 days, but I’m starting to think he might be wrong.
[arguing w girlfriend]
Her: I feel like we have communication problems.
Me: srsly? wow I text u like every day.