*runs Baywatch style through Wendy’s drive-thru*
A burrito will never sleep with your best friend behind your back.
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The only way I’d be scared of a ghost is if one was coming at me wearing a fitted sheet that I thought I’d have to eventually fold.
IF YOU CANNOT HANDLE ME AT MY WORST THAT IS FINE I AM A TERRIFYING AND POWERFUL THING AND ALL SHOULD LIVE IN FEAR
Took my kid to a roller rink and strapped on skates for the first time in 30 years.
The arcade games, the music, the disco ball; every detail took me straight back to my youth.
The only new feature was the ambulance ride.
I don’t usually cry from onions, but this one’s story is so inspirational.
in scotland, it’s illegal to be drunk and in possession of a cow. i just want to know how many times this happened before the government had to put their foot down
Who has time to monitor followers/unfollowers?
I can barely keep track of my kids and I only have 1 of those.
Two. I have 2 kids.
The weatherman is telling us to expect 8 to 9 inches, but he’s probably lying.
Sure, 50% of marriages end in divorce and yeah, that’s sad.
But 100% of married people will die, and isn’t that a greater tragedy?
What if ISIS started claiming responsibility for nice things like when my mom says, “who emptied the dishwasher?!”