FUN FACT:
Bears hibernate in the winter just to get away from Christmas music…
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I always enjoy when pharmaceutical ads play “Walking On Sunshine” while joyfully listing their drug’s 700 horrendous side effects.
Driving is great because it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad
It’s been a weird day so I’m shaving my eyebrows off.
I’m nobody’s type until they need blood or an organ
doctor: you want a note to get out of work?
me: please
doctor: [writing] you’re… fired…
[Meeting friends baby]
Me: [bouncing him on my knee] he’s a big boy isn’t he
Friend: yeah he was 11 pounds
Me: wow that’s cheap
[first date]
HER: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: *staring at my phone* Well for starters, I like to mind my own goddamn business.
I enjoy a glass of wine each night for its health benefits.
The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…
My husband coughing the moment I got the baby to sleep is why spouses are the number one suspect in homicide cases.
They won’t give me insurance on my phones anymore, but yet they don’t make phones that survive being thrown against walls?
It’s nonsense…
Three more pension cheques and I’ll have my student loan paid off.
Friend: Did you know that a butterfly only lives for 2 days?
Me: I think that’s a myth.
Friend: No it’s definitely a butterfly.
Waking up with a hangover in your 20s
vs
Waking up with a hangover in your 40s
4-year-old: How many push-ups can you do?
Me: A million.
4: Then why did your arms shake on the first one?
Me: Must’ve been an earthquake
Strange things: the prequel
Stranger things
2 Stranger 2 Things
Strangest Threengs
Strangfour th4ngs
5tranger Thing5
Stranger Things 6: Tokyo Drift
Thoughts and prayers for this lady who tried to make her purse lighter by throwing out a couple of visiting cards.
Her : I wanna be held
Me : Accountable or Hostage?
Did the ancestry search. Bit concerned my family tree only goes back as far as the night most of Dunwich washed away, and an event recorded only as “The Summoning.”
I like to throw bottles into the ocean with notes that just say, k.
me: I really can’t stay
him: but, baby it’s-
me: *tail lights*
i have never felt this meme more than after listening to Threedom… good job brahs.
I just saw this in a group on Facebook, so I have no idea where it’s from, but my god, does this infuriate me. You can’t use the same symbol for two different letters!!!!
If you missed any of the most recent presidential debate, you can catch one side of it on any given Facebook friend’s page.
Detective: Where were you on the night of…
Me: Kung Fu fighting. We all were. I saw you there.
a horror film where the victim walks into her kitchen and everyone she’s muted on twitter is standing there drinking coffee
I love Kit Kats the most whenever there aren’t three other people around.
I respect every moose for having two giant high-fives growing out of his head.
Eve: I think we should see other people.
Adam: There’s other people here?
Eve: No.
A: What the…
E: Sshh! Don’t make this difficult.
Ghost costume 😂