@Reverend_Scott

Fun Fact:

Organic milk only comes from cows that do yoga and moo about being a vegetarian or marathons they were in.

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@david8hughes

Due to personal reasons I will be looking like shit until Christmas. After Christmas it will be due to other reasons.

@robfee

Dang girl are you the old lady from Up, because I’ve only been here for like 5 minutes and you’re already gone.

@harikondabolu

Indian Brothers & Sisters: You know all those awful things Columbus did to the Native Americans? Just remember…HE WAS LOOKING FOR US

@dad_on_my_feet

I’m not saying it was a bad idea to let our 4yo color with markers, but now it looks like our kitchen table was pooped on by a diarrheal unicorn binge-eating fruit loops

@molly7anne

cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.

@Robert_Beau

At Dairy Queen:

Me: Medium Heath Blizzard please.

DQ: You wanna spoon?

Me: Sure, when do you get off?

@FU_TangClan

An English version of Cookie Monster called Biscuit Gentlemen who always wants biscuits but also uses the word please, because we’re not savages.

@noduffers

Him: Your beautiful….
Me: My beautiful what? My beautiful WHAT?!!