COP: Pick up that wrapper.
COP: Okay, have a nice day.
Organic milk only comes from cows that do yoga and moo about being a vegetarian or marathons they were in.
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Due to personal reasons I will be looking like shit until Christmas. After Christmas it will be due to other reasons.
Dang girl are you the old lady from Up, because I’ve only been here for like 5 minutes and you’re already gone.
Indian Brothers & Sisters: You know all those awful things Columbus did to the Native Americans? Just remember…HE WAS LOOKING FOR US
I’m not saying it was a bad idea to let our 4yo color with markers, but now it looks like our kitchen table was pooped on by a diarrheal unicorn binge-eating fruit loops
Brain: We’ve got lots to do today.
Body: You’re on your own buddy.
cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.
At Dairy Queen:
Me: Medium Heath Blizzard please.
DQ: You wanna spoon?
Me: Sure, when do you get off?
An English version of Cookie Monster called Biscuit Gentlemen who always wants biscuits but also uses the word please, because we’re not savages.
Him: Your beautiful….
Me: My beautiful what? My beautiful WHAT?!!