Fun Fact:
Organic milk only comes from cows that do yoga and moo about being a vegetarian or marathons they were in.
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The moral of Snow White is if a woman poisons you because you’re prettier than her, find some men to chase her off a cliff while you sleep.
A message for people with imposter syndrome:
The Pentagon just announced they miscalculated by $3 billion, you’re doing fine (unless you are this one accountant at the Pentagon)
My girlfriend wants me to stain the new wooden fence in her backyard. So I’m going to eat spaghetti over it for a few weeks
Me, to all my kids before the age of 2.
“No screens allowed.”
On their 2nd birthday, handing over iPad.
“This is your mother now.”
If you need a smile today, here’s a wonderful outtake with Robin Williams and Elmo 😂❤️
Pro Tip: don’t fall asleep during the middle of an argument with your spouse over whether or not you pay attention to her.
BARISTA: hey, your drink is on the house today
ME: oh, wow
BARISTA: yup
[awkward pause]
ME: could…could you get it down?
My wife asked me to name off all my sexual partners in order.
I should probably have stopped when I got to her name
I love my wife dearly, but she just used the word “whatevs” for the first time, so 17 years. It’s been a good run.
[dinner]
HER: don’t embarrass me tonight
ME: how would I do that?
WAITER: just an fyi we ran out of lettuce
ME: ok, everyone romaine calm
Give a man a fish… and well, shit gets weird.
I’m going to need to see a warrant before you look through any pictures on my phone besides the one I show you.
“Am I as bored as you are?” can be read backwards and still make sense.
*tooth fairy arrested for incisor trading*
My kid asked me to please “be cooler” around his friends and l’m not even cool around MY friends so idk who he thinks he’s dealing with
It’s Saturday night and I just saw a guy with a ponytail and tinted lenses. Somewhere, a tarantula is home alone
oh good, now I can stop drinking
I asked my 6yo to help me open my mail, so he did it and said “there you go Tommy” which would totally make sense if my name was actually Tommy
I’m at 7%. My phone too. We both will probably die before I get off work.
my only crime was caring too much. caring too much about fire
My black pants had more cat hair on them after they came out of the dryer. Guess I should check the dryer for cats before I start it.
If you’re using YOLO to justify doing something stupid, remember you only DIE once too.
Inspirational tweet.
Sorry pregnant ladies, all of your 3D ultrasounds look like Gollum in an Ikea lampshade.
A new house isn’t a home until you’ve let a bag of salad die in the fridge
I love the new Weight Watchers program. You can eat anything you want as long as you never join
Neighbor was pissed because Scrappy was barking this morning, I told him well you can’t get upset it’s what dogs do, especially after finding human bones in the yard.
acceptable thing to do with cpr dummy: learn how to save a life
unacceptable thing to do with a cpr dummy: learn how to create a life
perfume should come with instructions
like on medicine: Dab LIGHTLY on pulse
points Do NOT marinade in event of
overdose take shower
Me: [pokes Bruce Banner with a stick] why aren’t you angry? What’s your secret?
Dr. Bruce Banner: my secret? I’m always angry.
Me: Hi Always Angry! I’m Dad
The Incredible Hulk: are you happy now?
Me: no, I’m Dad
-Someone keeps phoning up pretending to be my grandmother. It’s a prank, I don’t know what else to call it.
-Shenanigan?
-Don’t you start.