Fun Fact:
The average 3-year-old boy can stick 11 kernels of corn up his nose before he needs a trip to the ER.
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“How did your
*looks down at notes scribbled on hand*
favorite sports team do in their
*looks down again*
sporting contest today?”
Why did Shrek go with Smashmouth’s All-Star and not Roxette’s “It Must’ve Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now)”
I have the grace of a baby giraffe on a bicycle.
Unfortunately I’ve determined that sucking up is part of human nature because it works and yes my boss DID look very nice today…
[At home school reunion]
“And Sasha bought a new cat, her name is Mittens.”
“Mom I know, you told me yesterday.”
Meowchelangelo
This day in history. 1844. Morse sent the first telegraph message WHAT HATH GOD WROUGHT? to Alfred Vail who replied I AM NOT WEARING PANTS.
Apparently at some point in history, hotcakes sold quite briskly.
Own two different pasta machines.
still make cup noodles with the Keurig.
MOM: [walks into daughter’s room, sees protest signs, history books, list of senators’ phone numbers on bed] Are you… politically active?
My horny ass could NOT have a banana cleaner 😭
[date]
HER: I’m studying to be a scientist but really love comedy
ME: [trying to impress her] Botany good textbooks lately?
You: What happened to your hand?
Me: I lost my engagement ring so I cut off my finger so my husband wouldn’t notice.
Please stop calling a picture of a grilled cheese sandwich “food porn”.
I say “Hey man, I got your back.” He thanks me until he collapses from being spineless. I give his back to an infant. “Baby got back.” I say
Saint West, the patron of selfies
Wife: That was so nice of you to chop wood for all the neighbors
Me: RANDOM AXE OF KINDNESS
Ahhh December 1st. Time to start using Santa as a threat.
My 4 year old thought it was pretty cool that Simba could do whatever he wanted after Mufasa died. This is concerning.
I was bitten by a radioactive vegan, and now I have the power to bore people to death.
I want to be the woman in the neighborhood rumored to be a witch that eats children.
Gemini: You may find yourself wondering if you’re dreaming or not. A simple test is to punch a cop in the face.
shrek the third may have not been as great as the other movies but this transition still gets me
wife: honey did you see the new player piano I bought
me: *stops googling can ghosts play the piano* yes I did
Me: I just really want to kick this habit
Therapist: You want to kick nuns?
Me: No, it’s just an expression meaning I can’t escape my addiction
Theraprist: Oh, what are you addicted to?
Me: punching nuns
*first date*
Her: I’m a criminologist.
Me, trying to impress: I have six bodies in my attic.
The only thing worse than sitting down on a cold toilet seat is sitting down on a warm toilet seat.
Veterinarian- You’re here to discuss your dog’s salivation?
Me- No. My dog’s a good dog, he’ll go to Heaven! I’m here about his slobbering.
That snake Lucifer sent into the Garden of Eden was actually meant to be a cat but it didn’t feel like taking orders.