Fun Fact:
The human brain isn’t able to register typos or grammar errors until after hitting teh Send button.
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A few summers ago I stopped at some kids’ lemonade stand. As I took a sip, the youngest boy stuck his whole arm in the pitcher and stirred.
you have 1 in a 50 million chance of being attacked by a shark which is comforting in the ocean but concerning in an elevator
I like to start out my Wednesdays by dropping an entire cup of coffee down the stairs and crying about it for 6 minutes.
Prank Idea For The Ladies:
Swallow a plastic dinosaur, then make an appointment to get an ultrasound.
Writer joke:
Wife: “You need to do more chores around the house”.
Husband: “Can we change the subject?”
Wife: “Ok, more chores around the house need to be done by you.”
I used to believe in International Women’s Day… then I realised it was just my dad sneaking into my room, dressed as an International Woman.
ME: I will have 4 blueberry muffins for dinner please
DUNKIN DONUTS CASHIER: Please do not tell us that you’re having them for dinner
*Me, stepping out of a time machine with Pheidippides* : See, people now run marathons for fun
Pheidippides: Marathons… the unbearable 26 miles I ran desperately during war, after which I died?
Me: lol yeah people eat waffles after
You know you’re an Alcoholic when you can’t even say the word “sober” without making air quotes
When I visit my family’s houses and use their wifi I usually get suggested ads with what they’re buying me for Xmas
I’m quite sure if Adam had offered Eve a donut, that whole Garden of Eden thing would’ve gone in an entirely different direction.
My retirement plan is basically these 10 scratch off lottery games.
* scratches *
Damn.
Ok, 9 scratch off lottery games…..
My boyfriend is watching Glee voluntarily and tapping his foot and smiling. That makes me a lesbian now, right?
Wolverines are just smaller, easier to peel wolves.
trainer at gym: do you exercise outside of here?
me remembering it was windy in the parking lot: some resistance training
wonder why hedge mazes fell out of fashion? we need to get to the centre of this issue.
ME: I wasn’t invited to the party
FRIEND: Yeah, people think you’re melodramatic
ME: [slaps friend with silk glove] Then I shall die alone
in a senior moment, i forgot the word for bologna, so I said, “you know…ummm…hotdog pancakes!”
My wife yelled, “This is the LAST TIME I’m going to tell you to take out the trash”, and I thought, thank goodness THAT is finally over.
Ok, new plan, I’m gonna marry a Kardashian.
Dudes who take one picture in a suit then start posting about success, just go to the wedding bro.
I would travel a million miles to be with you for 30 minutes.
Unless I had to walk. Then it’s one block max.
kids in 2050 trying to study the 2019-2022 chapter of history for a test
A hand grenade to a daycare? RT @McDonalds: #ShamrockShake is to spring as _____ is to _______.
This idea is the best gift I’ve ever given myself
Tornadoes and marriage are alike, because they both begin with a lot of sucking and blowing, and in the end you lose your house.
When my girl pisses me off, I steal the last page out of the book she’s reading.
I’m “don’t flash your headlights at someone who doesn’t have theirs on bc they will come and kill you” years old.
If a boy mentions a sport to me I use the opportunity to impress him with my sports knowledge.
For example:
Boy: I’m playing softball with the guys.
Me: Softball is a sport.
Remember back when we knew the 7- or 10-digit phone numbers for ALL our friends and family. Now the only phone number I know is 911.