Fun Fact:
Vegetarians live up to nine years longer than meat-eaters.
Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, meatless years.
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There’s no suspense in Young Sheldon. You know he’s not going to die
The Dalai Lama and Gandhi aren’t the same? I thought they were basically Miley Cyrus/Hannah Montana. I feel like people are messing with me.
BEARD PROGRESSION:
1. Clean shaven babyface.
2. Cool stubble.
3. Rugged.
4. Homeless man.
5. Psycho killer.
6. Religious nutjob.
7. Wizard.
The last time I did my happy dance I got pepper-sprayed.
My 5 year old was looking at the meerkats in the zoo amazed and I said “aren’t they so cute” and he was like “I want to cook the babies and make soup.”
Amazon thinks my recent humidifier purchase was merely the inaugural move in a newfound hobby of humidifier collecting.
Her: Do you want to see Downton Abbey tonight?
Me: Only if John Wick shows up and one of them killed his puppy.
A garlic dill pickle is not for the unprepared. First, do you carry a toothbrush in your purse?
Me: [starts singing quietly to myself while doing dishes]
My 5-year-old, who regularly screams for no reason: Stop that
Washing machine: Hey, your laundry’s done.
Me: May I have it?
Washing machine: No, hang on, I need 30 seconds to say goodbye.
Sir, I cannot take you seriously. You’re wearing capris. Capris. CAPRIS.
Cashier: Did you find everything?
Me: Did you hide something?
Whenever I feel sorry for myself, I take my children to the grocery store. And then there’s like 40 people feeling sorry for me.
*hears Siren’s song*
*eyes glaze*
*walks in a trance ten miles*
*breaks window to donut shop*I’m here, Mistress.
*eats everything*
*dies*
Can makeup companies just admit that they’ve run out of words to market mascara? Lashblast full effect endless wonder lengthening spider scandal volumizing ultra curved stiletto black fantasy mega-colossal stiletto stapler gondola tractor zoo crime salad steamboat tick chart
Farmer: These two chickens share a nest
No one:
Me: Would you call that cooperation?
My boss said he likes how I remain so calm under pressure. Can’t tell him it’s because I don’t give a shit
AC changed midlife crisis to kidlife crisis & now 5 is leaving me for a younger dad that drives a sports car
[Ferrari dealership]
ME: How much for this red one?
SALESMAN: Oh, that’ll cost you a pretty penny
ME: *holding out penny wearing a small wig and lipstick*
SALESMAN: VA-VA-VA-VOOM!
Dylan Thomas: Do not go gentle into that good night… Rage, rage against the dying of the light…
*cut to me already Hulk-smashing a lamp
Leia: *gasps* Chewbacca, you’re naked!
Chewbacca: *hastily puts back on his bandoleer*
“Fiona, You up?”
-Shrext.
The struggle when hungry me has to eat the lunch that healthy me packed
Terrorist Threat Level: Porcupine
My dog tried to put one paw on the floor instead of the scale when she was being weighed and I was like, “I got you girl”
Never make an enemy out of someone who loves camping, they’ve trained to hit rock bottom and they like it.
Why did Kermit The Frogs name feel the need to clarify he was a frog?
[Busy ER]
Patient: So what happens after this?
Me: [stares into distance] Some think heaven. Some think nothing happens. Possibly even limbo until some higher power decides your fate
Patient: So…I meant what happens now you’ve requested an inpatient bed for me?
Me: Oh. Same.
A Jehovah’s Witness followed me.
I think I’ll send him a lot of unsolicited DMs with knock-knock jokes…
Pac-Man gave me very unrealistic expectations about my ability to run away from ghosts.