Fun fact:
Wiping your nose on the person’s shoulder during a hug discourages future hugs.
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Chivalry isn’t dead. He’s just sleeping. Right, chivalry? CHIVALRY!?
me: how should i tell my kids they’re adopted?
kid: not like this
[parade]
Dad: son, when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten, and the damned? Will you defeat them your demons and all the non-believers?
Me, 6 years old: do I have to answer now or
[first line of my romance novel] her eyes, they looked like they watched netflix
[blind date]
JEFF BEZOS: I brought you flowers
HER: Oh thanks. That’s very sweet
JEFF BEZOS: I see you’ve liked flowers. Perhaps you’d like these other flowers
Old MacDonald had a walkie talkie, Echo India Echo India Oscar.
Wife: did you know hippos kill way more people every year than sharks?
Me: how? by sitting on them? lol.
Hippo: [in the booth next to ours at Denny’s] I’m gonna kill him.
My husband just sent me a text inviting me to go ahead and have the left over tacos that I ate three hours ago.
Wife: You guys never eat the food before it goes bad!
Also my wife: *buys 40lbs of grapes because they’re on sale*
What do you call a parsnip riding a dragon?
A parsnip.
If you’re going to flirt with me while I’m selling raffle tickets,
you had better buy a damn raffle ticket.
Wanna see my Oscar?
*knocks on garbage can lid*
I’m not your typical teenage girl. I’m 35 years old.
If you don’t want to be in love with me that’s fine. You’re entitled to your wrong and very stupid opinions.
accidentally emailed my kid’s kindergarten enrollment form to UC Berkeley admissions instead of Berkeley Unified School District. we’ll see what happens. maybe he’ll get in
Everyone’s AVI – Sorry. This is the absolute best I can look. I’m actually suspended upside down in this shot and I rented a wind machine.
Judge: How do you plead?
Me: Well, I can’t speak for the defendant—
J: Of course you can, you’re his attorney
M: Oh what fun! In that case, he’s clearly guilty as hell!
[spider walking into first spin class] What’s the deal with the bikes?
All food is good if you spell it wrong
I made the obviously poor decision to only eat half of my burrito and now the other half won’t stop staring at me
“loud noises scare horses”
[wife now whispering] get it out of the basement
I taught my son how to roll down a hill and then I taught some passerby’s how I clean puke off my son.
Silence is golden. Unless they’re in the shower and you can’t find their phone.
In that case, silence is very very suspicious!
As an imaginary forensic pathologist I’m pretty disappointed in how many full fingerprints I left on the scotch tape while wrapping presents.
Top Seven Bacon for Breaking:
7. Bacon point
6. Bacon even
5. Bacon Benjamin
4. Bacon my heart
3. Bacon Bad
2. Bacon the law
1. Bacon wind
*Tweets funniest tweet ever
*Dies laughing
*Over 6 billion die laughing
*Germany and Russia survive
*Coz nobody left to explain the joke
I get all my cardio by crying when someone calls me ma’am at the gym.
This is the huge spider that I killed inside my shirt by slapping my side while driving my kid to school. So, yea, I’d call it a win win.
This aging app is really getting people’s hopes up that the world will still be here when they’re old
I make up for those people who jog in place at red lights by eating snacks while lying down in bed.