Nothing quite as humiliating as somebody slow-rolling past your garage sale and not stopping, like “I’m not above buying another person’s junk but just not yours.”
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*kids walking
Me: Come on, boys! We have to hurry!
Kids: Okay!
*continue walking at exactly the same pace
i hate when people wait in the chat as u type… mf can i get some privacy??
ME: who’s a good boy
*kissy noises*
DOG: I just murdered the cat
ME: you are, yes you are
*rubs dog’s head*
DOG: you’re next buddy
I’ve lost my voice, and I’ve gotta say, everyone at work seems pretty damn happy about it
God: *closes a door*
Kids: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED
imagine an evil whale. you can’t. what would it even do
Having a panic attack thinking about how there’s somebody in Australia standing directly under me
no refunds
Not to brag but a girl at this party said I look like the Hulk, of course it was when I was turning green from drinking too much, but still…
A kiss begins with K. But it’s also just a text from someone who doesn’t want to have a conversation with you.
[spider’s junk email folder]
-TURN YOUR WEBS INTO $$$$
-HOT SPIDERS ON YOUR CEILING WANT TO MEET YOU
-TRY THE ULTIMATE 8 LEG DIET TODAY
#dnd #ttrpg
COP: Nobody on the main floor. Let’s check upsta–
GIRAFFE COP: Nobody upstairs
Hubs and I have fought so much lately I’ve lost 10 lbs. I thought about leaving him, but I’d like to lose another 10 lbs first.
I will never forget the LA based company that wanted me to drug test for a social media management position. Like do you guys even know what makes the internet good
When I grow up, I want to be 16
Concussions are like pineapples: what was the question.
Godzilla was the first house flipper.
*tries to quietly check the football score during a home invasion
how do y’all walk in shallow water
* Gets fired *
Well….my job is done here.
2020 is the worst Choose Your Own Adventure book ever
Somebody asked me for a topless picture so I sent this and I can’t stop laughing about it.
My cat just sniffed my right eye & licked his lips. When I die alone in my house, he’ll probably eat that eyeball first.
Sorting out the photos on my phone now would be too easy. No, I’m going to wait another 5 years for when I’ve got several billion more
A guy in line next to me just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop
Answering all phone calls with, “no, YOUR payment is overdue!”.
ZUCKERBERG: im ready to answer any questions u might have about facebook
84-YEAR-OLD SENATOR: excellent. mr zuckerberg my farmville farm needs more pigs but i cannot figure out where to purchase them