@PopSlapFunk

Fun Fact:

You can be charged with home invasion and aggravated assault if you use a box cutter to break down cardboard and a hobo’s inside.

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@Brampersandon_

[around campfire]
ME: *grabs guitar* Hey kids how about a song?
KIDS: Yeah!
ME: ok *clears throat* LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODI

@ElCorf

“I like my women how I like my sunglasses…

Sitting on my face…”

@Birdhumms

Me: Help someone is trying to gain entry to my home, send the police!
Her: Calm down, where are they now?
Me: Still ringing the doorbell

@HousewifeOfHell

Kids’ complaints on vacation:
– No wifi on beach
– Sand is sandy
– Ocean has salt in it
– Lobsters? I want pizza.
– Too outdoorsy outside

@Cheeseboy22

I scream, you scream, we all scream for ice cream. This kid working at Baskin Robbins is pretty scared. Now he’s crying in the corner.

@PopeAwesomeXIII

📂 ACME
└📁 Traps
└📁Elaborate traps
└📁 Roadrunner traps
└📁Elaborate roadrunner traps that work
└⚠️ This folder is empty

@hurlarious

Sweeping a woman off her feet is easy if you know karate

@sixfootcandy

Sorry I sprayed bug spray in your face. Those fake eyelashes scared the hell out of me.

@MatCro

[dinner party]

GF: [to rich guy] So what do you do?

RICH GUY: I race horses for a living

ME: Do you ever beat them?