Shout out to the little teapot song for making it okay to be short & stout.
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[in hell]
Me: omg is that melted cheese
Satan: no it’s lav-
Me: *already waist deep* ope real hot
wish I never spent that $20 my grandma gave me when I was 12, I could really use it right now
“There’s a clown hanging over you.”
“You mean cloud.”
“I wish I did.”
“Dammit.”
My ancestry DNA results came back: 100% German pancake batter
Paid rent so I’ll be at home enjoying my purchase for the rest of the week.
figuring out my emotional availability:
*loud crash*
15: OMG! You almost freaking killed me!
13: The key word being “almost”.
[job interview]
“Have any questions?”
Think the 3 Little Pigs hired the Big Bad Wolf to blow their houses down to collect insurance money?
*Superman put glasses on Mt. Rushmore faces*
Lois Lane: “What the heck?? Who are those people up there?”
– dinner –
Kid 1: finishes in 18.4 seconds
Kid 2: finishes in 34.7 seconds
Kid 3: finishes in 5 hours 29 minutes
[dog park]
Go get it, boy!*dog returns with silver watch, silver bracelet & silver necklace*
Ugh, you’re the worst golden retriever ever
Roses are red,
except for all of the other colors of roses that have been in existence for thousands of years. Those are different colors.
It’s so reassuring when your nephew asks for your birth year and then replies with woah, did you go to war?
Sometimes after a long hard day at work, it takes me 4 bars to get home
Homeschooling day 1: trying to get this kid transferred out of my class.
alien: [emerges from wrecked ufo] i need help
me: we got our own problems
Archaeologist 1: she must have died suddenly, a mug of tea was still in her microwave
Archaeologist 2: actually we carbon dated the tea and she died a week afterwards
Now that I’m a dad, I can just fearlessly blurt out “Congress are a bunch of losers” and go back to reading the sports section.
[first day as a dentist] *encounters tongue* huh. this isn’t teeth
[looking in the mirror and thinking about how I’m created in God’s image] wow God needs to go on a diet.
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
[presents children to cashier]
I’d like to return these faulty condoms lol
“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Santa.”
“Santa who?”
“Santa who has to use the door because you left your fireplace burning, jackass.”
I got bills
They’re multiplying
Do something nice for your ex today, take them out. One bullet should do the trick.
You found poison in his stomach? But he HATED poison!
Well it happened. My girlfriend walked in and caught me watching Spongebob
[at work the day after wishing my life was more like a video game]
“morning brent”
morning diane *accidentally jumps instead of sitting down*
friend: what’s the difference between ignorance and indifference?
me: I don’t know and I don’t care