Fun game: Order food to be delivered to your mobile home and then lead the delivery driver on a high-speed chase through town.
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[First Date]
Me: haha so yeah I just try to stay young at heartMy date, joking: lol isn’t that just another way of saying immature?
Me: *throwing spaghetti and Barbies at his head* NO IT DOESN’T SHUT UUUUUUUUUP
“Steak and Shake” great burgers and also a good way to kill baby vampires.
Hadn’t tried on a pair of jeans since April. They weren’t distressed before but five minutes of wearing them and they were firing flares off into the sky.
my (35m) 10,000 rats (1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 2m, 4m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 2m, 4m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f..
911?
~He’s eating Top Ramen!
911: Keep calm! Did he drain the water
~NO! He’s eating it like soup!
911: That’s fucked up
~I KNOW RIGHT
murderer 1: well this is awkward
murderer 2: omg Dave what are you doing here
murderer 1: how’s Rachel?
murderer 2: she’s good, she just-
me: EXCUSE ME
Well well well, if it isn’t the bridge I said I’d burn when I came to it…
Evil villain: You can run but you can’t hide!
Me: That’s where you’re wrong pal. *out of breath* I can’t do either
I hate when my boyfriend’s snoring wakes me up and then I realize it was my snoring and I don’t have a boyfriend and I’m going to die alone.
I should have known I was in for a rough afternoon when my child described her drink as “too soggy.”
Don’t forget to wash your hands and then go back to using the phone you haven’t cleaned since you got it
I’m not lazy, I’m an inactivist.
The Discovery Channel should be on a different channel every day
Just read about something called “runner’s diarrhea” so no way am I ever running and taking that chance.
Flip your microwave on its side. It loves it.
friend: how long have you had that bourbon?
me: 20 years.
friend: why don’t you just drink it?
me: drinking age is 21 dude.
i’m very suspicious about solar panels. they sit outside sunbathing and they. make energy? yet when i do that i just become a big red freckle? something odd is going on here and it makes me uncomfortable
My favorite romance novels begin with “Preheat oven to 350 degrees”
Me: Sometimes when I’m eating string cheese I pretend I’m a medieval torturer trying to get a confession from a prisoner.
Therapist: So, anyway, I’m going to double your meds.
My neighbour called out “cheer up” today so I asked if he was moving house
My first trip to a beach as a child, I spent the entire time running away from hordes of crabs chasing me with gigantic claws. Unrelated, I’m now a big fan of crab cakes.
Me: I’m gonna take a nap
Him: ok I’ll go in the next room and make lots of noise
Dinner is ready!
-my smoke detector
Any other ladies having their period during this Friday the 13th Full Moon want to meet up and combine powers? I’ll bring a salad.
Why do they call her “Grumpy Cat” and not “Sourpuss?”
The hardest thing Vision has to do
I would never feed you to the wolves.
You’re too toxic and I like dogs.
Cinderella taught me that everything will work out just fine so long as you have unconscionably small feet.
You can almost hear the laughter in the transporter room