Fun game to play at the beach…seashell or potato chip.
You Might Also Like
If you like to fall asleep in bed but wake up on the floor, owning satin sheets might be for you.
As ice water runs down my face I conclude, “Boy, you sure like to eat bread!” is not a comment a lady on a dinner date enjoys hearing.
Candy canes are the perfect treat. They are minty & put you into the holiday spirit & can easily be fashioned into a shank.
google just released their AI and all I’m going to say is that ur jobs are safe
BREAKING NEWS: Area Dad Wants You To Close The Damn Screen Door; He Isn’t Running A Hotel For Bees
When traveling abroad it’s good to learn basic language. “I’d like a beer.” “Where’s the bathroom?” “I need a taxi.” “Just not in my hair.”
Man there’s a lot of flies in here
( checks pulse )
Me: * tastes dog treats*
Stalker: frickin weirdo
Now I’m getting threatened with “we have access to your iCloud.” I’ll be honest, I stand by most of my nudes. Frankly I’m way more embarrassed by all the inspirational quotes I’ve screen grabbed.
My right hand: I’ll hold these three Trader Joe’s bags, your overstuffed tote and one awkward rope handled shopping bag
My left hand: imma pet this doggie
my cat just woke up, accused me of a crime, and went back to sleep
Me: To the window; to the wall.
Realtor: Just to be clear we are discussing your house showing.
How long do I need to wait after getting the vaccine before I can start wiping my boogers on strangers in public again?
Welcome to your 40s: that “teenager”over there is actually 27.
[family hears me pull in driveway]
wife: please don’t
wrestling announcer: sorry ma’am he already paid me. NOW ENTERING THE HOUSE FROM WORK
I can’t believe the tasteless and offensive things some people tweet.
Seriously, I just saw a recipe for homemade mac n cheese.. they only used one kind of cheese😳 and they didn’t put the bread crumble on top!!
Me on FB: All kids home for summer break! My heart is full!
Reality: STOP ARGUING! GO GET A JOB! DO YOUR OWN LAUNDRY! WHO TOOK MY PHONE CHARGER?
1.25pm: Do you love me more than football?
4.25pm: Yes, of course.
[texting gf]
February 13th
“I think we should spend some time apart”February 15th
“Ok that was enough time”
My therapy group is a joke. The doctor is supposed to match you with people you have something in common with but everyone here is nuts.
Just because you’ve never met a time traveler doesn’t mean there aren’t any. Those idiots probably all got eaten by dinosaurs
SURGEON: hold on, i just need to YouTube this part of the procedure
PHONE: *unskippable ad plays*
NURSE: he’s dyin
SURGEON: ah crap, hold on
I follow anyone who has “18+” in their bio.
I’m waiting for them to post the second half of the math problem.
What Nasa dont want you to know is those space suits they wear, those are actually bee keepers outfits.
Space is full of bees.
The moon is actually a giant hive, its where we get like 95% of our honey from. Check that moon landing footage again, its not grainy, thats a swarm.
ME: I wonder if it wrestles cutely too?
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the panda enclosure.
ME: lol. No. *gets mauled to death by panda*
Welcome to your 40s. Time moves much faster now. Welcome to your 50s
“You know how when birds fly in a V formation one side is always longer?”
“Yeah. Why is that?”
“There are more birds on that side.”
I just saw a birdbath gravestone, what a great idea, visitors for life..or death I should say
I don’t know anything about soccer, but I hope they win.
Go Soccers!
I can handle crows feet, I can handle random gray hairs, but telling me I need bifocals in my glasses…that optometrist never knew what hit him.
Me. I hit him.