FUN GAME: when someone tells you the name of their new baby, repeat it back to them, with their surname, and say “Like the murderer?!”
You Might Also Like
Mood: Shredding documents but realizing I didn’t double check if they were the correct ones and now frantically searching for the Undo button on the shredder
Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero
every outdoor cat should be given a little cowboy hat and a gun
Drive down the middle of my street and make me squeeze by you, so I know who to murder first when the apocalypse hits.
Someone at this party is wearing the same shirt as me. It’s very awkward. How did this happen. We barely even fit in this shirt.
When a waiter doesn’t write down the order and someone in your group asks for no pickles and you know that’s going to be thing that wrecks it for everybody.
I dropped my phone, is everyone okay?!
Turns out, people will turn around and walk the other way if you hiss like a cat when they approach you.
Date: Your eyes look beautiful in the moon’s light.
Me: Awww.
Date: *leans in for a kiss*
Me: The moon doesn’t make light, stupid.
Teens be like, “This is the worst day of my life” and it’s just they were told to unload the dishwasher.
(telling a ghost story)
You know those knocking noises you hear at night? That’s adulthood coming for you!*all the adults start screaming*
Got sent to HR for impersonating a fire alarm during a staff meeting again
A girl with kaleidoscope eyes sounds horrifying.
12yo: can I play video games?
Me: no, come chat with me
12yo: ok what’s corp? The boys were talking about “corn with a p” at school
Me: go play video games
A kickboxing class where you hit the bag with a baseball bat because I may have mild to moderate anger issues.
Womb is pronounced as “woom” and tomb as “toom”.
It’s only fair that bomb should go “boom”.
*being dragged from the car wash*
But I only shaved one leg!
Practice makes perfect, unless you suck.
I just had a customer shout at me OVER THE SOUND OF THE FIRE ALARM that it didn’t sound “right” so they “legally” didn’t have to leave
Just once i want to meet this mythical “always right” customer I BEG
I just said, “Have a good nice!” to a drive-thru attendant, so real quick everybody start saying that so I don’t feel stupid, thanks
ME: it’s spelled “kevin” but pronounced “kev-a-vin”
INTERVIEWER: you’re fired
ME: you haven’t even hired me yet
INTERVIEWER: you’re fired
My stalker just threatened to kill herself if I can’t love her back. It’s nice when problems resolve themselves.
They were cold and calculating, like an Alaskan mathematician.
Recruiter (calling me at work): Are you able to talk?
Me: Since the age of two.
her: i love bad boys
me: [trying to impress] my mom has no idea where i am
TEENAGE JAMES BOND: its actually just a learners permit to kill. I can kill, but only with an adult over 25 and not after 10pm
Technology promised us hoverboards but delivered e-scooters.
Please pray for my friends’ 4-year-old. They found out today 7 minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or videotaped and put on Facebook.
I got a weather service alert that my area is under a flash flood warning and to “take immediate action” so I bought a boat on Amazon. I don’t know I feel like they could be more specific.
DISNEY: A princess is strong!
ILLUMINATION: Minions are silly.
PIXAR: The meaning of life is not actually one answer, but the totality of an individual’s lived experiences, rarely appreciated without the wisdom of hindsight.