I shall play you the song of my people
*stomach growls*
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Always check your candy. I opened a bag of M&Ms and found a bunch of Ws.
[last meal on death row]
“Pepper?”
*nods*
“Say when”
*winks to camera*
Me, washing my hands in front of a mirror:
Pulls out flip phone, flips open, stares at screen, closes, clips back to hip.
Phone doesn’t even work; I do it for the ladies on the bus.
Honestly I bet the inventor of the cannon would be relieved to know that they’re mostly about t-shirts now.
I sure do wish I had “Queen” energy rather than “starving raccoon rummaging through a trash can” energy but here we are
How do you say “bra” in German? Stopsemfromfloppin
“Eat cheese and sin.”
This is… the best street art sticker I’ve ever seen?!
What the world needs is a self help movie, cause lets face it, most of us won’t buy the book.
*opens “Job Interview Handbook”
*reads “dress for the job you want”
*goes to computer
*opens browser
*Googles “ladies’ bicycle seat costume”
Remember when old printers would cope with running low on ink. They’d just work and work, creating ever-fainter images and text, until finally it was white on white.
Modern printers are like, “I CANNOT WORK LIKE THIS!” and then they email someone, trying to order their own ink.
cop: if i were you i wouldn’t leave town
me: but if you were, what bus would you take
well maybe the Bible is misspelled and my angle tattoo is fine.
God: U have to build an ark to save the animals from a tsunami
Noah: But you’re god, can’t you just stop the tsunami
God: *loves boats* No
who needs a boyfriend when you could be surrounded by beautiful lizards, all kinds of lizards, so many lizards
In 3rd grade the bus driver missed my house but I was too embarrassed to say anything so I got off at the last stop and started a new life.
REPORTER: *asks question*
POLITICIAN: that’s a great question and thank you for asking it *answers a different question*
I dreamt last night that a bear broke into my house and made chili in the crockpot. It was delicious.
Every time I attend a wedding I try to get the DJ to play “The Monster Mash.” One time I took the bride’s phone and texted the DJ with it. Another time I claimed I was the bride’s brother and that it was a really important in-joke between the couple. I’m batting .700
the dog ran into a fence chasing a squirrel. she doesn’t look anything like me but she’s mine. i can tell
They’re stuck in your pants?
Just banged my head but unfortunately it didn’t knock any more sense into it.
Trick-or-treating has been canceled, so this Halloween I will be giving out advice.
Me: *gets in pool* Come on in.
4-year-old: No, there might be sharks.
Me:
4:
Me:
4:
Me: *gets out of pool*
[parole hearing]
OFFICER: are u reformed?
ME: I—
O: go on
M: I th—
O: tell us
M: I’m—
O: yes
M: can I finish my sentence
O: ok parole denied
Just saw a couple jogging together and it inspired me to stay on the Internet
“Missed you.”
– a lover“Missed you.”
– a sniperContext is important.
guard your heart, cater to no man’s ego, honor your own time and your energy, don’t use uber. happy 2015.
Doctor’s office: All our records are electronic now just fill out these 12 forms.
It’s only a problem if others know about it….
*Sweeps problems under rug*