Isaac Newton was the pride of the family until his great great grandson Fig was born.
1. Glue dark sunglasses to all pigeons in a park.
2. Poke stranger on the shoulder.
3. Whisper, “I think we’re being watched…”
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My mom: Easter is at noon on Sunday.
Me: I’m not religious but I’m pretty sure Easter is all day.
Me: I got my first TOTD! It’s exciting!
Him: What’s that?
M: um, well, it’s an imaginary trophy…
H: well then I’m imaginary proud of you.
[Super Villain Team Tryouts]
COACH: Tell me what you can do
MAGNETO: I can manipulate metal
LOKI: I’m a god
THE PENGUIN (shoving his way to the front): I LIKE PENGUINS!
Interview Tip #3
speak with confidence but don’t oversell yourself
Interviewer: what makes you think you’d be good for this role?
Me: *confidently* nothing
GIRL NEARBY: I’m breaking up with you, Kevin. You don’t talk about Pokemon enough.
[I sit up straight and frantically try smoothing my hair]
See if your child has learnt any swear words yet, by turning the wifi off while they’re playing minecraft.
Definitely just forgot the word ‘menu’ and asked for a ‘map of the food’.
*Hates hearing “NO” from women
*Teaches them “NO” in 167 different languages including Klingon
Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
*teleports two inches to the right*