@rolldiggity

Fun Game:
1. Glue dark sunglasses to all pigeons in a park.
2. Poke stranger on the shoulder.
3. Whisper, “I think we’re being watched…”

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@Tmoney68

Isaac Newton was the pride of the family until his great great grandson Fig was born.

@3sunzzz

My mom: Easter is at noon on Sunday.

Me: I’m not religious but I’m pretty sure Easter is all day.

@PinkCamoTO

Me: I got my first TOTD! It’s exciting!
Him: What’s that?
M: um, well, it’s an imaginary trophy…
H: well then I’m imaginary proud of you.

@Brampersandon_

[Super Villain Team Tryouts]

COACH: Tell me what you can do

MAGNETO: I can manipulate metal

LOKI: I’m a god

THE PENGUIN (shoving his way to the front): I LIKE PENGUINS!

@pilau

Interview Tip #3

speak with confidence but don’t oversell yourself

[later]

Interviewer: what makes you think you’d be good for this role?

Me: *confidently* nothing

@bromanconsul

GIRL NEARBY: I’m breaking up with you, Kevin. You don’t talk about Pokemon enough.
[I sit up straight and frantically try smoothing my hair]

@bingowings14

See if your child has learnt any swear words yet, by turning the wifi off while they’re playing minecraft.

@iamspacegirl

Definitely just forgot the word ‘menu’ and asked for a ‘map of the food’.

@dshack8

Pre-Having Daughters:
*Hates hearing “NO” from women

Post-Having Daughters:
*Teaches them “NO” in 167 different languages including Klingon

@Jenny4ashley

Boss: Are you high?

Me: If I was high could I do this?

*teleports two inches to the right*