My dog is either dreaming or can’t quite figure out how to shape shift.
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I live in constant fear that my kids will grasp the concept of time at any moment. And all my parenting lies will be found out.
Apparently, you can only say “Look at you! You got so big!” to kids.
Old girlfriends tend to get offended.
Who knew?
With the money I found in the dryer, the girl in me says buy chocolate and candy, but the adult in me says buy beer, chocolate and candy.
How many glasses of wine equals two servings of fruit?
Asking for a friend.
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
“I’m sorry but it’s only 7 items or less in the dressing rooms”
[octopus glove shopping] “this is unacceptable”
My dad’s shop teacher cut off another finger while demonstrating how he accidentally cut off the first one. It reminds of the second time I got married.
Just found out I’ve been drinking straight up cold brew concentrate that’s supposed to be diluted 4 parts to 1, and now I know why I’ve been able to feel my scalp for the last month
What’s the difference between a lentil and a chickpea?
Trump wouldn’t pay $1000 to have a lentil on his face.
#watersportsgate #goldenshower
Went for a couple of dates with this girl. She invited me back to hers, said I could see her lady garden. I declined and never called her again – I’m not partaking in sexist horticulture
[on a first date]
Me: sure, I’d love to see your basement
3 things you never get back :
A word after it’s said
Time after it’s passed
Your pen if I really like it
Age 8: Flinging myself off the swings at high speed onto a concrete floor, bouncing up instantly and laughing before bounding away like a gazelle.
Age 48: Raising my eyebrows in a slightly more robust way than usual and fracturing my skull.
due to unforeseen circumstances i just quit my job as a psychic
I’m not the girl you should put on speakerphone.
Her: “Want to see a picture of my baby?” Me: “Does it look like a baby?” Her: “Yes…” Me: “Seen it”
DR: Your cholesterol is high. What have you been eating?
ME: Mostly cholesterol.
Good news, people in 3rd world countries, suffering inexplicable hardships- Amy from fb says god won’t give you more than you can handle.
Captured by terrorists tied up to a chair with a pillowcase on my head: guys please let me go I swear I’m not a pillow
ME: what time would you like me at the restaurant?
HER: I don’t even like you now
There are two good reasons never to drink water from the toilet. No 1 and No 2s!
Make bowling your first date. If he rents small shoes and jams his fingers in the wrong holes don’t bother with a second.
So annoying how every time I go to sleep, my wife starts whispering into my ear “Go towards the light.”
Why do doctor’s offices take your blood pressure AFTER weighing you? Of course it’s going to be high then.
[Alligator feeding at the zoo]
Me: Hey let me do it
Keeper: 1st time?
M: Heck no
*alligator takes me by the arm*
I WAS JUST BRAGGING SAVE ME
Me: did you like that movie?
Toddler: yeah but we better watch it 3 times a day for the next month just to be sure.
I’ve dated a guy who collected stained glass and wore bowling gloves so don’t talk to me about standards.
waiter: and how would you like your steak cooked?
me: umm on a grill?
waiter: no how would you like it served?
me (embarrassed laugh): oh silly me. on a plate please