Fun game:
Take pictures with your camera sound turned up when someone comes into the bathroom stall next to yours
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When I said I liked it rough.
Ned Stark is just a gay Boromir.
Well well well…
All excellent questions
Interviewer: Nice, a 4.0. Straight A’s!
Me: No, blood alcohol content.
[Hardware store]
ME: I’ll take one of those giant forks.
WORKER: That’s a rake.
ME: I’m gonna eat so much spaghetti with that thing.
“wYd oN vAleNtiNes dAy”
Going to work bro it’s Wednesday
I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.
Murphy’s Law – If it can go wrong, it will go wrong. Cole’s Law – shredded cabbage in mayo
Therapist: When you look in the mirror, what do you see?Me: I see myself you friggin idiot. Let me see your degree
Mrs Doubtfire is my favourite movie about violating a custody agreement
If you’re stuck at the top of a tree and afraid to get down, call me. I have no fear of heights so getting the chainsaw from my attic is not even an issue.
My goal is to have this whole hand washing thing mastered before they decide to remove the instructions.
My parenting style is just spouting absurd ultimatums:
“Get your shoes on, or we won’t leave this house again for anything, ever.”
“Stop whining and walk, or I’ll donate your legs to someone who will appreciate them.”
“Turn off the TV, or I’m cancelling Netflix.”
COMEDY= a skeleton playin his ribs like a xylophone
TRAGEDY= skeleton cant hear music bc he got bones for ears
Gambling is all about getting something for nothing and spending thousands of dollars trying to do it.
If you love someone don’t do anything. Just wait, see what happens. Maybe it will go away
Elton John ”Hold me closer, tiny dancer”
CDC ”Stop right there!!”
15 wants his new GF over for dinner Sunday. I’m going to make spaghetti & watch them try to eat it gracefully. Free entertainment!
My dogs have learned that whenever they hear the f-word in the kitchen, there’s now food on the floor.
17 told me I was “mid.” I don’t know what that means, but I’m going to change the WI-FI password about it.
You: Feeling cute. Might delete later.
Everyone: Please
Cool how most makeup tutorial videos are like: ok, first, start out already young and pretty with no makeup.
GET OVER HERE thunders across the bar as a harpooned rope impales a beautiful girl. The bartender smiles and shakes his head at Scorpion.
Me having to explain to another kid’s dad why he can’t come to my kid’s birthday party
[zoo]
cop: what happened here?
boss: they attacked when he tried to inflate one of them
me inside enclosure: [with final breath] babloon
Good cop: We know it was you. Just confess.
Murderer: I didn’t do nothin’
Breaks the fourth wall cop: Your name in this tweet is Murderer.
My mind is always on fast forward while my body’s in slow motion. I’m just like that channel where the sound is out-of-sync w/ the picture.
Tear gas is the saddest gas.
Whoever made this compilation of Mel Blanc screaming in different cartoons is a saint.