@Marlebean

Fun game:
Text your mom on Thanksgiving afternoon “How many minutes do I microwave a 25lb frozen turkey?”

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@therealeatwood

PRODUCER: OK, so this is a reality show about a blended family

EXEC: Like a real-life Brady Bunch?

PRODUCER: [uncovering giant blender] No

@ThugRaccoons

Me: I guess I’ll take four dollars

Wendy’s Drive thru cashier: That’s not how the dollar menu works

@RodLacroix

Child: Hey tomorrow are we still go-
Me: Canceled.
Child: What about-
Me: Postponed.
Child: Well can we-
Me: It’s closed to the public for the rest of the month.
Child:
Me:
Child: This is gonna be a loooong couple of weeks for you.

@JamieGreenlees

Sometimes I really want to throw paper at people. Brick shaped Paper. Made of brick.

@DrunksWithGuns

I am a man with convictions.

Mostly because I have a really terrible lawyer.

@briancthayer

*mom puts a gummy vitamin in my mouth while I yawn*

Mom, I’m 36. *chews it up, swallows* Adults are supposed to have 2 though.

@BuckyIsotope

WIFE: how’s dinner
ME: these mashed potatoes are dank
WIFE: is that bad or good
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: I don’t know

@pilau

My 4yo just said “is life a dream because it doesn’t make sense” and I suspect he’s right

@just1fool

Nothing much worse than being forced to listen to someone else’s music and not be able to tell them their taste is shit.