Wife: I need you to do some things around the house this weekend
Me: I’m way ahead of you
Wife: no, like helpful things
Me: ah
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My husband and I are very compatible.
He’s a problem solver and I have lots of them.
[trying to unhook a bra]
*kung fu noises*
Me: I prefer the natural look
Sephora: oh, then you’ll need these 15 products
Why do plane tickets have to be so expensive…you’re literally going that way anyway…just give me a ride.
priest: [hangs up the phone after talking to his boss for over an hour]”okay, that took a lot of convincing but i managed to talk him round.. yes, you can marry a penguin”
me: “omg he’ll be so pleased”
priest: “wait, did you just say he?”
me: “yes”
priest: [picks up phone again]
Well played, super clean sliding glass door I thought I’d left open. Well played.
Hey girl, are you a check engine light? ‘Cause I’m not sure what you’re trying to tell me but I have a feeling you’re going to ruin my day.
[road trip]
DAUGHTER: I have to use the bathroom.
ME: *pulls into rest stop*
DAUGHTER: Thanks.
ME: Make sure you’re back in 5 minutes.
DAUGHTER: I will.
ME: We accidentally left your brother behind once.
DAUGHTER: I don’t have a brother.
ME: Exactly.
I waitress because if I don’t get screamed at twice a day about condiments, I don’t feel like I have put in an honest days work.
uber driver picked me up “dodger stadium? you goin to the game?” i was like “nah” and we both sat there in silence for the whole ride, both knowing i had lied
Who decided to call it a muffin top and not a belly donut?
Guys only want one thing and it’s to lick your Himalayan salt lamp when you’re not looking.
When I wear cargo shorts and I need to find my phone I suddenly transform into a baseball coach giving play signals.
At the self checkout I make small talk with myself and I wish I would just shut up
Batman: I’m the world’s greatest detective, you’ll never stump me
Riddler: what’s your secret identity
Batman: Bruce Wayne you idiot
Riddler:
Batman: you absolute fool
DOG BOSS: Any messages for me?
DOG ASSISTANT: just one from Mr. Agoodboy
DOG BOSS: who’s Agoodboy?
DOG ASSISTANT: *tail starts wagging*
He’ll be directing planes to the gate in no time.
#PayInHay
#Kerching
The time to worry is when Alexa stops laughing.
Writing “Omg you guys are still friends after what she said about you???” on every group photo of girls I see on Instagram
Watch out for scammers…if you see my profile pic or name asking for money and nudes, that’s not me. I’d only ask for nudes and recipes
Just watched the movie 2012 and honestly I don’t remember any of that happening.
You block or unfollow me because I follow or retweet someone you don’t like.
Kindergarten called & said you left your maturity level there.
women at the gym use every other treadmill like men do urinals
My neighbor just yelled at her kids so loud, that even I brushed my teeth & went to bed.
Yes officer, the person who robbed me was a woman 25-30, at least 5’9, a brunette and definitely single. Can you arrange a line up please
HOT SINGLE MUMS IN YOUR AREA ARE LOOKING FOR YOU!
Oh god I hope it’s not another bake sale
We are being punished for our hubris, for building entire factories dedicated to nothing but cheesecake.
it’s always sad when you have to take your sick goldfish out to the pasture and shoot it in the head.
My stepmother asking me exactly how many chicken nuggets to make for my kids like lady it could be 15 or 0 do I look like some kind of psychic