Kid bunny: why do humans think we lay eggs?
Dad bunny: i think it’s time we have “The Talk.”
Kid bunny: ok
Dad bunny: *leaning in to whisper* humans are idiots
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I neither like nor want to date Taylor Swift, but I know at some point it’ll just be my turn.
[During a baby shower]
Me: Ooh I caught one
Wife: Put it down we can’t afford another
Everyone hates on the dentist but at least they don’t try to weigh you.
Grim Reaper: You know why I’m here.
Me: Heavy drinking? Unhealthy diet? Texting and driving?
GR: You should’ve forwarded that chain email.
Hurricane Duran Duran would have only wanted to chase supermodels, wear white suits and write inane lyrics.
Good morning to everyone except my baby, who already said good morning to me at 1 a.m., 3 a.m., and 5:46 a.m.
What’s up with all these idiots on TV trying to talk to ghosts? I don’t even wanna talk to the living.
I don’t need a partner in crime, I got this shit.
I may however need an alibi.
[First date]
Her: Are you literally WEARING a red flag?
Me: Yes, do you like it? Hey! Come back!
Friend from college: Hey! You remember that time…
Me: No
me (on desert island): good thing i was able to grab this CD player & my 5 fav CDs
other survivor: I saw you put down bread & pick those up
Thinking, as I often do, about the time Yahoo News thought “Zooey Deschanel divorces Death Cab for Cutie frontman Ben Gibbard” meant she had left a man named Death Cab to pursue a relationship with the lead singer of the band Cutie
I only sleep with my laptop so that if I ever get a boyfriend I’ll be used to sharing the bed
Nature documentarian (weeping): I know it’s against our non-interference policy, but we have to intervene and put this poor creature out of its misery. This is just cruel.
Me (holding 3rd bowl of cereal): What are you people doing in my apartment?
On an afternoon walk, a handsome stranger hands you a note. It says “By the time you read this, I will already be petting your dog.” You look down. It’s true.
Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.
When Leo said, “To all my friends, you know who you are” he was talking about the bear
Everyone is always doing laundry
*changes name to laundry
7: [eating a bunch]
me:
7: I’m going thru a gross spurt.
me: that’s a good way to put it.
Prank: if you’re standing at a busy intersection light beside a guy staring at his phone take 2 steps forward & see if he walks into traffic
If she boasts how adult coloring is therapeutic and has made her more tolerant and patient
Hide her markers
And wait…
Her: Hi hun.
Atilla: [under breath] I told you not to call me that in front of the men. It might stick.
Me: it’s bed time!
My kids: PARKOUR!
Having a crush on someone sucks. If I wanted to gamble with my emotions, I would simply go to a convenience store, fill a slushie with 5 random flavors & let the lord decide whether it was delicious or not.
Every day, I win arguments from 10 years ago in the shower.
Put your family down and pay attention to your phone.
If you want my kids to actually act thankful on Thanksgiving serve kraft mac n cheese, goldfish and apple
juice.
Therapist: You’re not really improving
Me: What if we pressed down on my foot and forehead at the same time and did a factory reset?
Therapist:
Me:
Therapist: well it’s worth a try
Things Stephen King books taught me to be afraid of:
-dogs
-cars
-storm drains
-hotels
-the street
-writers
-little girls
-the prom
Top Seven Bacon for Breaking:
7. Bacon point
6. Bacon even
5. Bacon Benjamin
4. Bacon my heart
3. Bacon Bad
2. Bacon the law
1. Bacon wind