Fun idea: Have a magician saw you in half at your funeral. Or not even a magician, just anybody with a big saw.
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Have a blessed Friday, may it be filled with…
4: Did you just shower?? Your hair looks so pretty!
Me: Awwww, thank y—
4: It looks like a bug
Me:
The fact that Mitt Romney opted to see Twilight instead of Lincoln this weekend probably sums up what his presidency would’ve been like.
I keep two glasses on my bedside table at night: a glass of water and an empty one, because sometimes, when I wake up, I’m not thirsty.
Horse: *tapping the hood* it’s got 400 manpower
You can tell they named the aardvark early in the week and the anteater on a Friday.
nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
I opened wordle to play while waiting for the bus, and force of habit, I pulled my pants down cause I’m so used to playing it on the toilet
Magician: “Think of a card.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “You are thinking of the.. 3 OF SPADES!”
Me: “I was thinking about a get well soon card.”
A popsicle stick makes a great bookmark. But eat the popsicle first. Don’t make the same mistake I did.
When the pandemic ends, don’t forget to update your Face ID so your phone can recognize you without that cheeto dust mustache.
Call me a hoarder if you want but don’t come crying to me when you need a 3 foot tall stack of mayonnaise jar labels.
GF: um—you said you had something important to show me
[a fat little penguin waddles by wearing a monacle]
ME: YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO WAIT
If people who made meth called themselves methematicians it would probably be a more respected occupation.
*shoots self in the foot and screams in agony for 20 seconds*
*hits ‘stop recording’ on outgoing voicemail message*
Toddler: *crawling across the desert*
Kind stranger: *offers water*
Toddler: No, red cup!
People stick up those “Baby on Board” signs as if their infant is somehow more precious than my 4-foot travel bong.
Nothing starts a conversation quite like wearing a tiara in Walmart.
And to my kids I leave an endless supply of screenshotted recipes that I never made but also refused to delete. With these images I also bequeath a drawer full of condiments and sporks from all the takeout we had instead.
Maybe my grandma stayed married for 50 yrs because she never said stuff like “I just wish he would support me, you know, creatively.”
my mom: you still coming over today?
me: definitely
mom: great I have a few things from IKEA for you to put tog—
me: i cant make it
So after my kids had been whining all day, I cheerfully told them: “I’ve got some good news, guys!”
They stop crying long enough to ask what it was but apparently telling them I just saved a bunch of money on car insurance wasn’t the news they were hoping for.
Son: Dad is it true you named us after things you saw in the yard?
Dad: Yes we did, Hawk.
Rose: Nice.
Grill: You could have looked around a bit.
It’s kinda hot to know that Santa’s watching.
[At the restaurant]
One cannibal to another: *browsing the uninspiring menu* I just think they should’ve been clearer in their advertising when they said that they had an award-winning head chef here.
“Omelet you finish,” -Kanyegg West
In Hell you have to drive with balloons in the car and you have to put them in the car with the doors open.
On average, 13 people a year are killed by sharks, and 2 of those are stabbings
WIFE: Did you get the baby their shots?
ME: Of course
BABY: [licking salt off wrist] WOOOO
My wife is a beautiful, kind & giving woman who also checks my TL.