Fun morning at work…does Costco sell voodoo dolls in bulk?
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This app would like to use your location. It also wants you to mow the lawn and call your parents more often.
If Ariana Grande made a lot of money selling designer chokers her song would have been called Thank U, Necks
A sex robot is gonna shoot someone with a 3D gun in my lifetime
I’m not afraid of dying. I’m afraid of ending up in a nursing home with a roommate who has Justin Bieber posters and Twilight shirts.
Beer before liquor, never sicker. Toothpaste before orange juice, dead.
I get my Kung Fu skills from taking off a sweaty sports bra after a workout.
2 out of 3 isn’t bad. Unless you come home from the park with 2 out 3 kids. Then it’s bad
If I hug you longer than 3 seconds, I’m picking your pockets.
What I said:
GET IN THE CAR!What my kids heard:
Pour another bowl of cereal & watch TV.
MEET ME AT THE PLACE NEXT TO THE THING GO NOW DO NOT ASK ANY QUESTIONS
Any restaurant is a Drive-Thru if your brakes fail.
The five stages of camping:
1- Denial: “No, we’re not going”
2- Anger: “I hate camping!”
3- Bargaining: “If we stay home I’ll cook waffles”
4- Depression: “Fine. Whatever”
5- Acceptance: “This isn’t so bad. I don’t know why you were complaining”
Almost quitting time…Cheers!🥂
The only real importance in life is getting ahead.
Head. I meant to say head.
Thank goodness I’m loud and obnoxious all the time, so my family can’t blame it on the alcohol.
I tried playing dead to see how my 6 yr old would react… turns out if i die he’ll poke me and go down stairs and eat chips…
i can’t believe i just spent my time editing this video
i kinda love job interviews solely because i’m the most delusional person of all time and they make me feel like i’m on a talk show
friend: Are you eating a whole frozen pizza by yourself?
me: It was on sale for $4
friend: I wasnt asking because I thought it was expensive
On Average, ovulating women prefer rugged & masculine men.
Menstruating women prefer men duct-taped and on fire.
4-year-old: What do you want for your birthday?
Me: You could get me a “world’s best dad” mug.
4: You told me not to lie.
I wish I was poplar. No, that’s not a typo. I wish I was a tree.
none of you hit me with your car this morning and now i have to go to work. thanks
Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes
Trying to find the $59 airfare advertised by Southwest is the adult version of Where’s Waldo.
“you are one of the four horsemen of cringe” – my 12yo
Maybe Van Gogh cut his ear off because someone traveled back in time and whispered a Drake song in it.
You know why some people wear socks with sandals?Cos they’ve never been punched in the head for it.If you see an offender,do the right thing
People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. They should utilize the cover provided by the transparent walls and return fire with lasers.
Of course I’m gonna miss my husband when he goes away for the weekend in 45 hours 23 minutes and….*checks watch*….27 seconds