Fun new prank: Walk into a busy restaurant and call out the name of a rare Pokémon.
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If your jokes are corny I’m all ears.
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was taking my sports bra off.
*maintains eye contact with the McDonald’s employee while slowly filling my cargo shorts with free napkins*
Son: My pencil is stuck in this Spirograph.
Me: So, you’re having an exitstencil crisis?
MY WIFE DIVORCED ME BECAUSE SHE DOESN’T BELIEVE MY TESLA AUTODRIVES ME TO THE GAY BAR AND THEN TURNS ITSELF OFF, CAUSING ME TO HAVE TO SPEND 4 HOURS IN THERE ASKING FOR A RIDE HOME
I have a head cold but I’m telling everyone it’s covid so they’ll social distance away from me.
Slugs are obviously snails that have been through a divorce.
I’m watching Olympic athletes run 1500m, while trying to figure out how I can make the Roomba drive 3m to the beer fridge for me.
Me*taps wife’s shoulder*Whatcha doin?
wife:Meditating
me*still tapping*Why?
wife: It helps me relax
me*still tapping* Is it working?
wife:No
My dog: WHY ARE YOU ALL STILL HOME
I’m a carb girl, born and bread
My neighbors with the fireworks would apparently like to wish everyone a happy July 7th.
*first date*
Me: They keep saying we’re destroying the ocean, but you know what the ocean is? Just one big toilet. Two parts water, eight parts feces. All that marine life taking ten craps a day then swimming in each other’s shit for a lifetime.
Waiter: Madam, your sea bass.
[Cretaceous Period]
T-REX: *eating pterodactyl, sad* I just wish it were meatier…
DRUNK GUARDIAN ANGEL: A meteor? Tha’s weird but ok 1 sec
My 7-year-old told me she wants a pet chinchilada. Do I find this at the pet store or a Mexican restaurant?
Boss: You’re always late…
Me: You are totally obsessed with me aren’t you
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.
If dolphins are so smart why do they still live in the water
“I’m liking where this is going” I said, pointing to a potato chip making its way toward my face.
I made a bacon sandwich this morning then managed to drop it on my white t-shirt. Luckily nobody was using the washing machine. That’s where I keep my emergency bacon.
the other day a bartender told me his high school did a performance of RENT where they couldn’t say AIDS so all the characters had diabetes
Her: Look…I asked you to fix this damn cabinet 3 years ago.
Me: For the record…you did preface it with “When you get a chance…”
Insomnia: Hi
Me: Hi
I: Hope I’m disturbing you
M: You are
I: You know what we could do?
M: Let me sleep?
I: HA, no, let’s think about hippos
Apparently I’m not giving my toddler enough food because she’s trying to eat our fridge magnets
[coffee shop]
*casually puts arm around wife*
*reaches up to Free Wifi sign with a pen*
*changes last “i” to an “e”, draws downward arrow*
[First date]
Him: So where do you hike?
Me: I don’t hike.
Him: Your profile said you love hiking.
Me: I’m a fiction writer.
[Don’t let hot barrista know I’m a goose]
“Can I get you a coffee?”
Just a honk chonklate for me
“A what?”
CHOCOLATE, a hot chocolate plz.
Justin Bieber only pretends to retire on Twitter, worst Christmas ever.
MARRIAGE PROTIP – Guys, if you have a picture of your junk on your phone, you better be sure your wife has a copy of it on hers. Good talk.