Fun prank: a chameleon exhibit with no chameleon.
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i took my metal detector to the beach and found a huge slayer concert
*sets down half eaten bag of potato chips on the elliptical*
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
Surgeon: We’ve successfully removed part of your intestine
Me: That took guts, LOL
Patient: Who is that guy?
Surgeon: I thought you knew him
in today’s episode of ‘how strong is your marriage’ we take a trip to Home Depot to pick out a shade of white
Rick Astley will let you borrow any movie from his Pixar collection except for one. He’s never gonna give you Up.
I wish Adele would hurry up and put out another album so I could end this relationship.
Eat a spoonful of garlic powder before you whisper all the sweet nothings in your spouses ear.
Follow me for more relationship advice.
BRONTOSAURUS: Why don’t you wear that sweater I bought you?
T. REX: I don’t think I could pull it off
I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :
lowe’s manager: so…you want a job. what department should I assign you to?
me: hmm…how about the mirror aisle? I can see myself working there.
Dear prisoners: How about liquid soap?
You’re welcome.
My child: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: “That’s impossible, they’re all running for president right now.”
The teachers could tell my wife & I were embarrassed by our son’s grades when we showed up to conferences with paper bags on our heads.
Would u watch a movie about a teenage boy who screams “I wish I was dead,” but God hears “Deb,” so he turns into his 50-yr old neighbor Deb?
If you say the word gaslighting 3 times in a mirror it summons Shaggy singing It Wasn’t Me
A coworker started telling my kids a story with the sort of zeal you often see from people who don’t have kids of their own. It took less than 4 minutes of inquiries and interruptions for my son to completely break her spirit and bring storytime to a grinding halt. That’s my boy.
Fitness level – too much Popeyes, zero spinach
Please don’t tell my kids they haven’t got a pet chameleon.
Friend: Where do you get your sense of humor?
Me: My dad. But don’t say that to him.
F: Why not?
Me: He gets really mad.
Which undead creature most enjoys playing hide-and-seek?
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A wherewolf.#happyhalloween
Things to know before you date me:
1. I party
2. The doctor forgot to cut my umbilical cord so my mom has to come
[interview]
HIM: What are your strengths?
ME: Well, I can see dead people.
HIM: Wow, interesting. Any hobbies?
ME: Grave digging
HR: We’ve noticed a substantial amount of office supplies missing recently.
Me *wearing a 3-piece suit made of Post-It notes*: That’s odd
“you are one of the four horsemen of cringe” – my 12yo
*working out*
this is so much worse than i thought
I just asked my boyfriend does he think I’m loud. His response “Well it’s very easy to hear you…”
???????????????????????
Went on a family vacation and 80% of the pics are my 11yo looking like her dog just died
This may be racist but whenever I have a test in class I try to get a seat next to a dolphin because they are usually really smart.
“Pass the joint.”
-Cannibals at dinner