I don’t regret pressing the close button in the elevator when people are running. If they have all that energy-they should take the stairs.
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A long time ago a wine expert said ‘it has an okay flavor’ but the guy heard ‘oaky flavor’ & now people want their wine to taste like trees
Hot people celebrate the new year in nightgowns and caps with tiny candles on plates & retire to their chambers at exactly 10 PM so they can go “honk shoo, honk shoo, mi-mi-mi-mi.” All hot people do this.
[at checkout counter]
Would ya like to donate $1 to-
-No
But you didn’t let me finish
-Is it $1 toward you shutting your mouth?
No
-Then no
Last night, I fell asleep with one of those new e-cigarettes in my mouth.I woke up half an hour later and my whole house was on the internet
me: the doctor said i have to stay in bed
boss: ok how long?
me: just a normal bed
Do I have to wear real clothes?
-my kid on the last day of school
I was so happy when I got my first washer dryer, now, 3 kids and a puppy later, nothing short of my own laundromat would excite me
CANADA WATCHING US NEWS
someone is getting married down the street from me and their wedding geofilter works at my house
You ever bark back at your dog and then wonder what you just said?
My dog is home alone for the first time today. I wish I knew how he was doing, but he won’t answer my texts.
A song called “Baby It’s Not *THAT* Cold Outside” where I’m just trying to get the lady to leave
They say, every transformation makes you a new person.
But they don’t tell us where & how to dispose off the body
My kids practically have medical degrees they’re at the nurse so much.
Helped a stranger at the gym write a break up text today so yeah, that English degree is really paying off.
Tampon boxes should come with a “It’s not safe to walk around naked with a tampon string hanging out if you own a cat.” warning.
It’s 7 years ago today that my therapist told me I had problems letting go of the past
Americans: Iran and Iraq are countries, not Apple products, so say their names properly.
Me: A stranger is just a friend you haven’t met.
Stranger: No.
COP: Can you describe the bear that attacked you?
ME: Less huggable than you’d think
I literally got fired from a job for not knowing what to do with my hands when I talk. I guess sign language interpreting just wasn’t for me
I feel like if one pizza roll bursts then they all join in for solidarity
My horoscope was so wrong today I’m beginning to doubt the science behind this life planning tool.
“building-building building building building-building building”
(translatiom: structur-making tower makimg another structure-making tower)
They say someone in the US is bitten by a shark 19 times a year.
Poor guy.
wife: maybe you should start working out again
me: [literally sweating from trying to open a can of pringles] why
“Can you explain this gap in your resume?”
Me: [sitting on a toadstool, blowing smoke rings] whooooo areeeee youuuuuu
Them: You seem nice.
Me: Really? Try driving slowly in front of me.
*Uses public restroom
**Squats so long walks out with buns of steel
911: What’s your emergency?
[sounds of struggling and growling]
911: Hello?!
Me: I OFFERED THIS RACCOON MY SANDWICH BUT I CHANGED MY MIND