fun prank: go observe the newborns at the hospital & if someone asks which is yours say “I haven’t decided yet” while sobbing uncontrollably
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My dad hates spicy food, but he loves the show Hot Ones, which I imagine he watches like a horror movie. “No! Don’t eat the next wing! It’s a trap!”
Worst things the parents do on Home Alone:
3. Never punish Buzz
2. Forget one of their kids
1. Try to make everyone drink milk with pizza
[1994]
*rewinds tape with a pencil*[2016]
*gets angry when I accidentally close the music app*
CONVERSATION I JUST HAD:
ME: Two Thin Mints please
GIRL SCOUT: That’ll be $10. Or you can get four boxes for $20!
ME (gentle): Um, that’s not a savings
GIRL SCOUT (NOT gentle): NO ONE SAID IT WAS
…
ME: Four boxes would be great.
{At therapists}
SIMBA: Once my dad let a monkey hold me over a cliff.
Tapping your wrist is the international sign for “I’m running late”.
Millennial: blank stare
Swiss cheese is cheating cheese cause there’s holes where there could be more cheese stay woke.
To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.
Got a new bottle of shampoo and now I’m using what’s left in the old one with the reckless abandon of someone who just won the lottery.
[showing a picture of a very healthy person to my doctor] I was thinking something a bit like this
Why buy it for $7 when you can make it yourself with $92 worth of craft supplies.
my daughter hones her survival instincts by forgoing the provided bowl and spreading goldfish crackers all over the house to forage & store
[putting on wedding dress]
me: I feel like I’m making a big mistake
maid of honor: yes the bride should be wearing that
Friend: Did you know most people mistake thirst for hunger?
Me: Really? Weird. Hey, are you going to eat that water bottle?
starbuck cashier: can i get a name
guy ordering in front of me: it’s Ben
me: ONE WEEK since you looked at me
Kids: “Mom watch this. Watch this. Mom. Mama. Mama watch this. You’re not looking. Mom look. Look at me. You’re not looking.”
Me: merging onto the highway
Dog park man handed me an ice cream and I must’ve looked a bit too excited because he felt the need to clarify it was for the pup not me
If you’re feeling this, that’s normal. Take it easy ❤️
Good cop: If you just let us know where the body is, we’ll let you go
Bad Batman: Ben Affleck
[airport]
For $800 more you can upgrade to Arctic Class
What’s that?
Same as coach but the flight staff is penguins
[slaps table] SOLD
forget tagging friends, i want to be able to tag my enemies
Not to brag or anything, but I can forget what I’m doing while I’m doing it.
You don’t really appreciate a Chinese Spy Balloon until it’s gone.
Will you 💍💍 meow meow 💍💍 me?
My body treating me like we’re in a relationship by giving me weird little surprises even after 37 years.
Mom was disappointed there were no fights on her flight. I gave her some tips for the return flight.
Sites that are selling my tweets for money.1. Twitter2. FavStar3. Funny Tweeter <3 you guys!
hot girl doing pouty lips: wow she is so sexy
me doing pouty lips: are…are you going to puke, you have to tell me if you’re going to puke
[first day on bomb squad]
blue red yada yada yada i get the gist
[aliens observing earth]
“Horse racing is the shit we gotta start doing that”