Fun prank: Just leave random “I’m sorry I hit your car” notes on people’s cars and watch them look for a non existent dent.
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When children vomit, sometimes it sounds like they’re saying the names of Ikea furniture.
Yoda: In the Light Side, the real power is.
Luke: The Emperor controls the galaxy. You live in a swamp.
Whoever called it rush hour should not be allowed to name anything else.
Here is a wonderful thought for all those who are fighting for their mental health during the COVID19 crisis. You are not alone. We are all in this together. Reach out to one another and inspire, empower and support one another. Stay safe.
📸: @thesproutingsunflower
Why do people insist on saying “You’re next” to me at weddings? Do they not realize how serial killery that is?
[me dress shopping]
“Ohhhh that’s cute”
*an 80 year old buys it*
Dog; Why do you put my treats so high up?
Me: Because if I didn’t, you’d be able to get them
Dog: Hey, I’m just trying to save you the hassle. Excuse me for caring.
Don’t worry, you’re not the first person to misinterpret my flirting as food poisoning
Stay in milk
Brush your school
Drink your teeth
Don’t do sleep
And get eight hours of drugs
[ interview at a 24 hour diner ]
boss: can you cook nights
a dragon: yes
Accidentally cut myself while slicing a mango and now I’m a weremango
Yes, I have a fitness app. I use it to time how long it takes the pizza delivery guy to get here.
“Hell yeah Trump got impeached looks like he’s finally out of office!”
*Deletes tweet*
*2 minutes later*
“Wow none of you know what impeachment means the senate still has to vote before he’s removed from office go take a college course”
Do not let #FyreFestival refugees into the country. We cannot risk it if even ONE of them has been radicalized.
I created a bunch of wifi networks in case any of my neighbors are single
i like the aisle seat on a flight because it gives me power over the other two people next to me. you wanna go to the bathroom? need to grab something from your bag in the overhead? better ask my permission. i’m the king of row 37 bud
the bad guy in hallmark movies is a boyfriend who is like “uh no babe i cant drop everything + leave work this weekend im about to close a deal for ten million dollars that will set us up for life” and the good guy is a guy who is just standing there when she gets to her hometown
A thick layer of mayonnaise on all your furniture will remove water rings from wood and unwanted guests from your house.
I feel pretty confident that I could eat my way out of a vat of mashed potatoes.
Driving down the road and saw my ex-wife. Funny how “I’d hit that” changes meaning over the years
I added someone as a friend 2 years ago but they haven’t responded. They must be really busy.
God: have a seat it may take a while to explain what you do.
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth: *begins moving towards chair*
God: okay actually you got it have fun on earth.
Witch: [cursing me] you will get hit in the head with a basketball everyday
Me: whatever
[next day, watching game]
Announcer on TV: and it looks like he missed the shot so bad the ball left the stadium
Me: what
[theres a knock on the door]
ME: [backing into driveway]
WIFE: Where’s the car?
Sometimes I wish I had Jesus in my life.
Mostly when I’ve run out of wine.
[at the aquarium]
Son, pointing at large tank: daddy what’s that?
Me: that’s a tank
Son: no what lives in the tank
Me: water
[first day as a doctor]
patient: how bad is it
me: [forgetting the word for spine] you broke your bone rope
How long will it take my husband to get to the acceptance part of the grief process after learning that the dryer he fixed 10 minutes ago is broken again?
i love hoodies man.
am i skinny ? am i fat ? nobody knows