Fun Prank: put a live turtle and a tiny pair of nunchucks in your toilet before your guests arrive
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At the store & asked for 50 condoms. 2 girls behind me started laughing. I turned around & looked them in the eyes and said, “Make it 52”
I only say stupid things when I talk.
Astronaut: Dave, that’s not necessary in zero-G.
Penguin: [flapping wings] Just let me have this.
Just called my friend’s office & asked for Gary. The receptionist said “Which Gary?” WHICH GARY?? HOW MANY GARYS YOU GOT? 2 MANY GARYS #GARY
I created a series of recipes that cause diarrhea. I call them cleanses. It’s all about branding.
I love that Amazon hires data scientists to figure out that based on my excessive paper towel purchase history I likely have two kids and a cat
*Googles Yahoo*
Google: Wow. I’m right here
Payday: BUY ALL THE THINGS!!
Day Before Payday: I would like to pay for this taco in pennies.
Women do things I can’t even imagine doing: give birth, close cabinet doors, etc.
“What are you going to be when you grow up?”
Tired.
The answer is tired.
Got paired with a classmate for a Criminal law Project, so I guess now we’re partners in crime.
[raises hand in math class]
HOW DO PEOPLE WHO WORK AT THE SPAM CORPORATION KNOW WHEN THEY’RE GETTING UNSOLICITED EMAIL?
bears call children lost in the woods screamy appetizers. you can take my word on this
Bought one of those SMTWTFS, but I can’t pronounce that so I just call it a pill box.
Wife: Honey, I’m upstairs!
*undresses on the run like Superman*
Be right up!
*stands naked in doorway*
Wife: Do you remember…
Pam: Hi
David Hasselhoff has changed his name to David Hoff.
It’s less hassel that way.
[sees a meathead at the gym flipping a giant tire end over end]
ME: Put it on its side and it’ll roll, idiot
“You’re the Garbage Man, eh? What’s your super power?”
“I’m just here to take out the trash.”
“Whoa, we’ll get to your catch phrase later.”
even worse than arguing with a stupid person online is when an even stupider person joins in but they’re on your side
Probably should schedule my next dentist appt for this week since I ate some street corn last night and this may be the only time I floss this year.
Cashier: You just have to tap your credit card.
Me: *cautiously taps*
Cashier: Not against my forehead.
Nothing freaks me out like that girl w/the purple bra yelling “Hey those are MY panties!” Finders keepers lady.
Told my 11 y/o daughter I was going to chaperone on her field trip and she responded with “but are you going to wear makeup?”
Have kids they said…
Everyone hated math in high school, but when y’all get screwed on your pay check.
BOOM, suddenly you know algebra and calculus
Popeye: Whys you we’rin glasses? A-gah-gah-gah
Brutus: Doc says I need em bad
Olive: Hiya fellas
Brutus: *jumps back* THAT’S HOW YOU LOOK?
Jurassic Park is my favorite movie about how humans get on everybody’s nerves.
You can’t stop yourself
If I say this is a haiku
You’ll count syllables
“If anyone happens to see a common field mouse run by in a Hot pink sweater, please disregard.”
Him: so do you prefer top or bottom?
Me: either, as long as there’s butter
Him: are we still talking about se-
Me: muffins, yes
When the executioner asks me what my final words are I’m just going to start filibustering.